I thought I should focus more on my choir nerdi-ness in this blog, seeing as how the title is a Daniel Gawthrope song etc. Also- it's really easy for me to tie every day life into choir. Many people ask me why I changed from musical theater to choir nerd, and to this I say, I'm still a stage nerd at heart, but choir offers something different. It focuses more on music, and less on silly things like dance and acting(just kidding- I love those). It allows you to be a perfectionist- why spend a night cleaning up act 1, when you can spend those 4 hours on a bar or two? Getting them exactly right? Also- musical theater confines you to a character. It tells you your motivation, your thought process, your character. For me- choir songs tend to give an emotion, a mantra, a thought. Something much easier to stretch, and apply to yourself. You don't have to change to fit your character- your can change your song to fit you.
After our last Christmas concert, the our choir teacher Dr. Criddle asked us to do a review of the semester- what is a musical moment you were proud of? What are your musical goals for next semester? And then, almost as an afterthought, he asked us to list one or two songs that it would "make our lives if we got to perform them."Most people gave him one or two- I gave him twenty. (See afore mentioned nerdi-ness) None of them were picked, but I loved every song we did this semester, and had done all but two of them before- so I approved of the set list anyway.
When announcing the pieces he had picked, Dr Criddle made a joke about people's wish lists, and how he had never seen so many spellings of "Whitacre". (The perfectionist in me demands that you all know that I spelled it right.) He then asked us to pull out Whitacre's Water Night.
And the voice in my head went "Really? Really? This is cliche Whitacre. Why not a boy and a girl? Why not Lux Aurumque or Five Hebrew Love Songs or Leonardo or When David Heard? Water Night? It feels disjointed, and the words are nonsensical!! ( I am a lyrics person- this is insulting) But I set about learning my soprano- soprano two- middle soprano two- just sing this note in this sixteen women's part cluster- part. One day someone came out and asked Dr Criddle what the words meant. And in TYPICAL Dr. C. teaching style, he asked, "Well, what do you think it means? Go through it this time, decide what it means to you." After that run through, singers gave very different responses. I couldn't really tell what I thought, because rather than a neatly verbalized, single word emotion- I got a scene. A scenario. Shortly- it's the feeling you get when you've been bawling your eyes out and you just...stop. All of a sudden- there is no need to cry any more. Nothing has changed, but you know things will be OK. That's not what went through my head- just a quick way to describe it. This is what actually went through my head. If you like, think of it as a parable.
Picture yourself in Sendai Japan- March 2011. The
hurricane has just come and gone. Your walking along a
beach that was once familiar, but is now alien, both for the
presence of the wreckage and the lack of any one else- an
absence of life. You are totally alone and the world around
you is in ruins, but you are alright- unhurt and empty. And
perhaps feeling a bit of survivors guilt.
With communications being down, you have no idea what you are
supposed to DO right now- so you sit on the beach and just look.
In contrast to the normal white beaches, blue sky and
darker blue sea, everything is now shades of gray. The wind continues to blow- but since there is nothing to do at this point- no where left to hide, no one left to join to for emotional support- despite the threatening storm,
you continue to sit and look....at nothing.
All just dull grey, angry, empty sky.
When suddenly, behind the clouds you see flickers of light.
Distant lightning? How about fireworks? Distress signals? Stars?
A nuclear reaction. How about magic? You smile as ideas run through
your head, and it becomes rather apparent you have no idea
what these lights are- but you don't need to. They are pretty.
They are a break from all the grey. Beauty in the midst of discord,
and all the more beautiful for the destruction that surrounds it.
After a few minutes they stop- nothing is different,
except the way you feel. Despite the whipping winds, and sounds of what structures remain creaking in groaning in protest of
this second coming storm- because these lights exist, everything will be alright. As grey fades to black, you walk away- to DO something.
At the moment the song says "If You Open Your Eyes, Night Opens doors of musk"- to me it felt like a crash, what was supposed to be seen as an impressive point of arrival- the last few moments of an exhausting storm. The next few lines were my favorite "And if you close your eyes"...the harmonies and dissonances made me see the flickering lights EVERY TIME. Just a feeling of- not technical resolution- but maybe things would be OK eventually. And it's immediately followed by the "Si-lent and BEAU-ti-ful CUR-rent" (beautiful accent work) that to me just felt like the wind, pushing you forward- the tide just....pushing... progressing....that time marches on even when your not ready.
Some people would just say- Sarah, that's called the eye of a storm. And I would say- not quite. This is the aftermath- no one expects you to be OK during the eye of the storm- no one expects you to do anything. What I have learned after some .......really rather serious storms that I've weathered recently, it's the aftermath where you have to look around and you are distraught by all the (what seems at the time) permanent changes in your life. You wallow for a bit- in the lack of communication, schedule, resource....the lack of NORMALCY. But eventually you get bored, and you begin to wander aimlessly. But in the overwhelming midst of nothing, in the lack of everything you are used to, you see flashes of light. Moments that are actually promises that everything will be OK. A line of music that speaks to your soul. Flicker. In the midst of a fight, a verbal sparring match- to just stop and breath and lean your heads together, so that for a second, you feel CONNECTED. Flash. A friend calls- for once you are not the one who needs to unburden your soul- for once you are the one who is NEEDED. Sparkle. Your laptop power cord snaps ("Wow. Now I REALLY have nothing to do but wallow in darkness") and an unexpected tax return gives you just enough to buy a new one. Oooh. Ahhh. In the midst of a crisis of faith- wondering what it is you KNOW and what it is that you have just been told so often that it's a part of you whether you agree with it or not- to realize God loves you. To cling to that with every scrap of strength and faith and tenacity you possess- that is not a flash of light. That is a lantern- a gift, a miracle....a tool. With which you can go DO things.
