And Now I'm ready.....

I was a daydream

Quiet and unseen

I lived in stories but inside I kept a mystery

I was a starling

Nobody's darling

Flying in perfect circles just for company

And now I'm ready

And now I'm ready

And now I'm ready to be extraordinary

      Again with the exciting-ness that has been going on since I wrote last. Did a tango competition- lots o' fun. I've decided, If I am....I don't know maybe 28 and unmarried and unhappy with employment, I'm moving to Buenos Aires, the place where I was born; to learn Spanish and become a master tango dancer!!

     Thanksgiving was great- I love my roommate Ashli who I got to go home with. And I love her family- I spent thanksgiving with them too. They are wonderful and affectionate, and definitely foster communication; things that my family definitely isn't.(Present readers excluded, of course.) Went shopping a few times- even on Black Friday- got out without getting trampled. Sang at a farewell on sunday- it was perfect. Well not quite- I definitely messed up some of the words. But that is ok. It was perfect because the three of us girls had all met Steven at the same time, and it wasn't about performance. It was about giving him a gift- telling him we think he will be amazing in Russia-and we are so blessed for getting to know him before he left. 

        These next couple weeks will definitely be ones I "just need to survive" I have a concert tonight. A rehearsal tomorrow night. Than a concert every night until Sunday. Then I get monday and tuesday and wednesday off, then concerts till Sunday again......holy overwhelmed, Batman! 

But less on future, and more on the last little while. Lots of dates- lots and lots. Lots of meeting new people and seeing old friends I haven't seen for months...or years. And I am learning something about me. 

      I am a really good girlfriend- but thats just because I know how to act like one. Because I saw Mom and Dad be so very stable and solid, and other such comfortable but boring adjectives; I know that is NOT what I want. I want passion and adventure and excitement, not just some one dependable. So that is the role I try to fill, but in that I loose myself. I become everything they want, thus allowing them to be romantic like I want them to be- but in so doing, kind of loose myself....in almost every relationship I have ever gotten into. So what do I do to solve this? I look to the relationships that weren't like that. I have had two men in my life who managed to be my lover and my best friend at the same time. In both of those, I gave up the image, being the dream girl- I was pretty sure they weren't going anywhere, so I was just allowed to be myself(ironically, those are the two I ever came close to making any kind of permanent arrangement with. Well played gentlemen; well played.) Now I just need to figure out how to recreate that kind of relationship; but really? I have no idea. These experiences were amazing because they were as natural as drawing breath- they required no work, no conscious thought- I just wanted to be next to them all the time. Conversation never ran out. There was no awkwardness, just 'being' was enough for me, and enough for them. Which is unusual. Usually I am person who puts effort and thought into...just about everything. So again- how in the world do I recreate that?

        The guys in my life now are great. Whether they are in it for a long or short while, whether friend or possibly something more; they try to make time for me, they try to actually get me to be myself; but they are sort of swimming upstream, because I have no idea how to...how to not impress the guy that I am with. I don't want to be myself- because anyone's 'self' is not exciting and fun all the time, and isn't that what a relationship should be? Maybe? The only ones who get to see the real me, are friends. Ones who I don't need to impress. So they definitely get a one sided view.

      Anyway- enough of that rant. Life is interesting now, because unlike SOOO many other times in my life- relationships are the only thing in my life right now that I don't have together. I have good strong friends- I feel like I am making progress in my major, getting my work done and practice time in. Me and God are on the best terms we have been in years. Latter Day Voices is like EFY everyday- I have teachers, friends and family in my life who want me to be happy, who are willing to help me succeed. So in every other aspect- I have never been more myself, or a better version of myself than I am now. I am on the brink of extraordinary-I just have to figure out how to apply that to relationships..........Suggestions are welcome. 

Crazy Weekend- 2 concerts since thursday!!!

Don't pay attention to weird faces I make when I sing!!! 

Tender Mercies and the Borrowed Knight in Shining Armor.

Song that comes to mind at the moment-

I am amazed that He's aware of me

I am amazed to approach Him prayerfully

How painfully He loved me, oh how painfully

I am amazed at His tender mercies over me

So this has really been a heck of a week. I can't tell you why- just lots of little things. When you get to college- low self esteem doesn't disappear, but you usually have good ways to handle it. I don't know why, but my defense just sucked this week. One of the hard things about my personality, is that I put every one on a pedestal. To me- everyone is beautiful, everyone is talented and amazing in there own ways. Mr. Boss for example, lets call him- he has done so much- so so much- so accomplished, and brilliant, and a hard worker to compound it all, thus making him far, FAR above the curve for his age, and not a little intimidating. (He hates it when I call him those things....hey dude, just returning the favor <3) 
But I can never do that for myself. My room mate is sweet, and a saint- I am snarky and impatient and a perfectionist. My friends are GORGEOUS- like COULD BE VICTORIA"S SECRET MODEL kind of deal- I am neither fat nor thin, with hair that never wants to cooperate(I'm in utah- the place that doesn't have any humidity at all!! COME ON!) My choir friends are....oh my lanta don't get me started. All of the above, then talented...so talented...sing in front of thousands level of talented....make chambers level of talented....get their masters level of talented....AND YOUNGER THAN ME!!! I am fighting to stay in the program, with teachers who won't take me seriously, and a musical theater background(Not even a good one at that). But everything came to a head today- in all fairness, it is kind of ridiculous. I didn't get to see my current Romeo- and he didn't text me saying he missed seeing me, cause it always makes his day! and continuing to profess his undying love. (What? I don't base my self worth on looks, singing and boys! That would just be silly, Ha!(Continues to nervously laugh) ) So upset about that. A little bit, I still feel like an outsider in this amazing choir of mine. They get up and talk about their incredibly strong friendships with everyone....I wish I had more of that. I really do. Today got really bad. I thought for a brief, brief second of not coming back to the choir next semester- because one can only take so many days of being reminded how not-as-gorgeous- and not-as-spiritual you are. But then- not romeo, he's someone elses romeo- came charging in on a white horse and talked me through it. A little bit- I love it when boys are practical. Thats how I think- in extremes. In definable, practical, concrete, extremes. And he just spelled out why I am worth just as much as other LDV girls, and other things that I have to work on. See? Good practicality! (List of pros and cons of dating me? Also good practicality, but I don't think I'll ever ask to see it in future relationships.) 
Some good things of the week- we went down to sing at the fireside last night. Incredible, very spiritual experience. Here is the part I would post a link, if the CES system thought that it wasn't important to record the choir >:( But still cool. And got to see a good friend from high school, just got back from his mission. Oh heavens he is attractive. (JIC...hola moreno!) 
Also, got some good practicing in, sang in vocal recital hour, and in another good talk with my borrowed knight in shining armor- discovered that "Men are that they might have joy" Is a commandment. Not giddiness, not elation. But joy- contentment. If you see someone who is keeping the commandments, but doesn't have that joy, that inner peace- they are doing something wrong. It is not heavenly fathers fault- he is trying to make us happy. Very good talk. 
Also went grocery shopping- Oh dear sister. Oh people who are preparing for college- I wish there was something I could do to prepare you for that experience- but there's not much. Try to decide things you LIKE to eat, and things you NEED to eat. Things that you like so much will be gone the first day- usually not worth your money. The whole budget thing- I think that was my hardest part of college.
Nice thing about Marin- She's an artist. Like....holy hannah. I love the way she draws. Its realistic- but in a hopeless romantic way. I think we get that from our mother- but its kind of dead in her now. Thats ok mom! You might not be romantic anymore, but your legacy lives on in your daughters! Anyway- just really really good paintings and charcoals and pencils etc. I hope she turns out to be an art major. 
Oh yeah! And she does photography! She is a picnic MASTER! She makes a lot of my profile pictures.