Sing A Mighty Song- Daniel Gawthrope

So cool experience the other day- I taught ten minutes of the Messiah. I tried to cram in, I kid you not, six concepts. It felt panicked and rushed, even if they did learn a lot. Afterward, he gave me amazing feedback. He said, "Just relax, breathe. Don't try to push too much on them at once. Another suggestions. A few times you said things like " Do this for me" or "I want…" Don't do that. It builds a wall between you and them, and you have such a great demeanor, that would be such a shame! Seriously, your great up there in front of them. They will love you. They do already. Do you feel it?" I was reawakened to my excitement and passion for teaching and teaching music. In this Daniel Gawthrope song, their is a line that I have always loved that says "Oh blessed am I that I may sing my devotion- Oh blessed am I that I may sing, Oh blessed am I." Just…so grateful that I found this. Somedays it is so hard, and I don't even know what is going on around me, and I don't feel talented enough, or capable enough or like I work hard enough… but days like that one make up for all the rest. Anyway! In my classroom management class, we had an assignment to write a paper on how we would build a classroom environment that 1, encouraged positive social interaction, 2. made students actively engage in learning, and 3. encourage students to self motivate. Read at your leisure! Y'all are awesome. 

 Sarah Knudson

Building Classroom Community

                 I am so grateful that before I began my education classes, I found the work of psychologist Brenee Brown, a vulnerability researcher. In her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”, Brenee makes two statements that I would turn into classroom mantras: everything from quoting them out loud and often, to including them in disclosure documents, to writing them in permanent marker on the board. The first is, “Vulnerability is showing up and letting ourselves be seen” and the second is “ We need to let our kids know they are worthy of love and belonging.” Love is a dangerous word in educational atmospheres, so I would respectfully change that to “My students are worthy of belonging and my unconditional positive regard- just by showing up. Without doing anything.” My quest is therefore to create an environment where risk is encouraged, and failure is seen as the birthplace of change and improvement- a classroom where vulnerability is ok, because no matter what they are positively regarded and worthy. This would mainly be achieved by honest connection, teacher to student, and student to student. This could be achieved by beginning the semester with a retreat(an extended musical bonding experience) using 'folder partners', or 'big sibling, little sibling' programs and having a democratically elected choir council. Along with these, I would write respecting each other into the course contract. Everything from respecting each others talent, to their opinions, to being patient with flaws and misunderstanding would be expected in my class, and failing to meet these would result in consequences(usually, a student-teacher conference to reinforce why respect is so important). Finally, I would work to make sure every student felt respected, and heard, and valued by me. I would remind them that choir is about their education, not my desire to make music. In my pre-student teaching, my cooperating teacher told me, “I want you to get the words “I want” and “Do this for me” out of your vocabulary. It puts a wall between you and the kids. You are all in this together. From now on, learn to say 'we'.” By doing this, I would encourage an environment that allowed vulnerability, which Dr. Brown calls “the birthplace of creativity, innovation and change.” A great start for a classroom.

             Dr. Brown also did research about shame. She defined shame by comparing it with guilt. Guilt is “I made a mistake”, shame is “I am a mistake.” Guilt is often a good motivator, but shame always ruins not only motivation but also self confidence and relationships. I would work relentlessly to keep this out of my classroom. I would make sure my students knew what it was, and that I woudln't tolerate it in my classroom, and if they ever felt I was trying to shame them, to please tell me. This means I don't believe in methods like writing names up on the board of over talkative students- keeping a visible list of grades- making students sing solos as punishment. No matter the benefit in the short term, this ruins the ideal environment of vulnerability and connection.

              I believe that in an accepting community like this one, everyone can be actively engaged in learning. I think this can be done by giving students a sense of control over the repertoire and the curriculum- “This is a song we want to learn- this is the way we want you to teach us this song.” This gives them not only a sense that their input is important, but they are also likely to pick a song that means something to them and that they will be engaged in. One year in junior college, we had several girls from Mexico in the choir. They helped our teacher pick a Mexican folk song, and taught us pronunciations and meanings. This gave them a sense of relativity and control, but at first the rest of us couldn't connect to this song. The last line of the song, about traveling away from one's home village was “Ay que caray” which translates roughly into, “What a mess”. Our teacher compared it to leaving home for college, or leaving loved ones to travel or serve a mission- something we could all relate to. We had this song memorized the next day. It was quickly one of our favorites, because he made it so relevant to our lives. This sense of relevance and control needs to be extended to every one, like my teacher extended it to the Hispanic girls in choir. I met a teacher in Logan who took two extra hours a week to sit down with a student who was blind who wanted to sing in choir. Because he couldn't sight read like others, she would go over his part with him several times, than record it on the piano so he could study and learn at his own pace. Because he felt capable, he was as excited to get new music as all the other students! So now in this environment without fear to hold them back, and with repertoire that interests them, they can be invested in the music. But how do we get them to push themselves?

            Self motivation is an interesting battle in choir, because of the variety of motivations to take the course. Is it just to fill an art credit? An aspiration to be a pop star? A love of classical music? How to inspire all of these? Better yet, how to get them to inspire themselves? My little brother got a 35 on his ACT- but rather than go to college, he wound up hiking the Appalachian trail, from Maine to Maryland- 1,000 miles in 3 months. Financially, academically, socially, seemingly a directionless decision. What motivated him? When asked, his answer was “I don't know...the mountains were there.” I think adolescents with their new found independence and sense of capability and choice often long for challenges- to see how far they can stretch their competence. If we make a comfortable environment, choose music relatable to their every day lives, we can then hold them accountable for their own learning and progress; we can challenge them. Making exceptional music will become a motivation in and of itself. In an elite choir I once observed, the teacher would accept no less than perfection. While they sang, if they made a mistake while singing, they would raise their hands as if to say “It was me- I recognize it, and won't do it again.” The sheer time it saved was amazing, and I would love to use this in my most advanced choirs, but worry about the shaming effect it would have on younger choirs; as Vygotsky would say it would be “out of their zone of proximal development.” In junior college, I took a dance class full of beginners. Our teacher refused to slow down her pace, but was constantly present and supportive. She instigated the practice of applauding when a student fell. At first it was mortifying- but as time moved on, we felt that falling was motivation, because we knew it was followed by an increased sense of connectedness and applause from the teacher, and often progress the next time you tried. We learned to take pride in our progress, a huge self motivator that can easily be applied to choir. BF Skinner, a behavioral psychologist and the father of operant conditioning claimed that we as human beings are without free will and sense of self, but are only a collection of reward-seeking and punishment avoidance. When we turn things like, progress, pride in your sound, and sense of connectedness and community into rewards, I really believe students will motivate themselves.

Works Cited Page

- Brown, C. B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection Center City, Minn. Hazelden.

- Hoy, A. W. (2014). Module 21 Possibilities And Cautions In Applying Behavioral Theories. Educational psychology (12th ed., pp. 284-305). Boston: Pearson.

- Hoy, A. W. (2014). Module 5: Vygotsky's Sociocultural Perspective .

Educational psychology (12th ed., pp. 63-80). Boston: Pearson.

Please Help Me Look Over My Conducting Paper Everyone!!!

Sing Me To Heaven- Daniel Gawthrope

Hey guys! So I am taking private conducting lessons this semester; they're pretty cool, minus the fact I feel guilty 24/7 for not doing more to prepare for them. (Kinda like voice lessons…..and assessment and curriculum….and ed. psych…..and my relationship….it happens. I may have a guilt complex)

But! I was really excited to write this paper, because he said I would be able to pick my topic.(Am I the only one who LOVES when teachers do that?) So I crossed a whole bunch of my classes, (a whole bunch in this case meaning ed. psych, classroom management, conducting lesson and my choirs) to write a paper about the psychology of teaching/conducting/managing a choir. Tell me your thoughts!! Also- here's an opportunity to see Sarah's writing without run on sentences, ellipses, those little - things I'm so fond of- paragraphs, or other grammatical errors that show that I try to write the way I speak, and I will always favor theater over English. 

Providing for Your Students Needs

or

How to Run a Choir According to Maestro Maslow

Abraham Maslow was an American psychologist, most well known for creating Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. This pyramaidal theory is Maslow's attempt to explain human motivation in a series of needs which build upon each other. First we must satisfy basic needs- eating and sleeping, and then we must have a sense of safety, then love and belonging, then self esteem. When these needs are not met, Maslow theorized humans would feel an emptiness and a drive to fulfill them. This humanist theory can directly relate to the creation of music, and the relationship between a conductor or teacher and their choir. A similar theory for music education might state that choristers require a consistent and controlled environment, emotional connection and a sense of musical competence before they can self actualize, or in specifically music terms, seek out a challenge.

How does a conductor meet students needs for a consistent, controlled environment? When we look at Maslow's pyramid, the second need up the list is safety. Do students feel safe, or are they victim to fits of anger from us, criticism from each other, last minute notices about extra performances and rehearsals or ever changing expectations? Colin Mawby, Master of Music at Westmister Hall says, “If choir practice consists of nothing but mistake-spotting, choristers quickly become bored and resentful.”

Brene Brown defines connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship”, in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”. This is a perfect name for the need students have to feel friendship and support, both from their conductor and fellow members of the choir. If students feel 'seen, heard and valued', they will be unafraid to share more of their talents and themselves, quickly becoming an invaluable asset to the choir. The choir conductor as a teacher should thus encourage social functions and inter-choir friendships. The choir conductor as maestro should thus always show their students their love and respect.

Another champion of the humanistic school of psychology, Alfred Bandura wrote the self-efficacy theory, which educational psychologists have shortened into the ever important “sense of competence”. Good choir conductors will give their students a good variety of pieces and different levels of difficulty. The best choir conductors will never let on which are the most difficult- spending time and attention as needed, but never showing anything but perfect confidence that their singers can master the piece. Bandura said “ to achieve anything, we must first believe we are able to achieve it.” Choir conductors will introduce many new and difficult concepts to their students- everything from fixed do sight reading, to forward and backward placement, to soft palette lifting, that could easily create disequilibrium and frustration. But if we do so with careful observance of the students level of understanding and constant scaffolding and support as needed, we can facilitate these foreign concepts into true understanding that can be applied to every piece.

Maslow believed that when his first four needs were not met, humans would feel a constant push to seek them out. Contrastingly, self actualization was not an innate human desire, and could only be recognized when other needs were fulfilled. Similarly, many students are unaware they want to be challenged- they'll out and out tell you they don't. When connection, consistency and competence are not being felt, a conductor would surely be resented for challenging his students. But when these needs are met and then the teacher challenges his singers- they will have the resources and the environment to respond. They are in a safe environment, they have a support system and their teacher believes in them: in this environment, any one can learn and grow and reach their full potential.

 While famous for his hierarchy, Maslow was also a practicing humanist psychologist. He is quoted as saying that we need to focus on positive qualities of people rather than treating them “as a bag of symptoms.” Choir conductors could learn much from this statement. A chorus should never be looked on as an instrument, just a tool to bring about beautiful music. Conductors and educators must recognize their human needs, and put their full effort into meeting them. Providing a consistent environment, true connections with other members and the leader of the group, and a sense that they can do what they are being asked to do, will lead them to desire and be able to rise to challenge. If the conductor can do these things, they will hear the choir they always knew their group could be.  

Howell's Requiem- What I MEANT to Say

Movement 1- Salvator Mundi

Movement 2- I Heard a Voice from Heaven

           So the last blog that I wrote, I received over whelming support. Connection got me through- like I new it would- like I needed it to. I followed Brenee' Brown's advice about courage, (her definition comes from the latin word, cor, which means heart. She says the word basically means to tell your story with your whole heart) and I was proud of how many of my friends (who knew!?!? People I hadn't spoken to in YEARS were unbelievably supportive!! Thank you, thank you a million times!!) stepped up to the plate to offer love and support, empathy and connection.

                 I can't approach this the same way- the main story here isn't mine to tell. I've gotten permission to skim it- but it certainly won't be as specific as I like to be. (I refuse to be one of those stupid, vague, 'woe is me' facebook poster's, or 'wow, I can't believe some people....you know who you are...' bloggers...they drive me insane.) But here is the overview of what is keeping me up at night, making me cry in the middle of classes and generally....taking over my life.

               This is the first time I'm choosing to focus on a song we're singing in my choir right now. It's a shame I'm pretty sure none of them read this blog- because when I tried to make this comment the other day in class, it made no sense at all. We're doing Howell's Requiem, a catholic song, meant for 'repose for the dead.' The writer wrote it for his son who died, very early in life. And it sat in his desk for almost 40 years, because it was just too sacred to be performed. The last movement captures the feeling very well:

I heard a voice from Heaven saying unto me,

“Write, from henceforth, blessed are the dead which die in the Lord,

For they rest from their labors, even so saith the spirit...They rest.”

               There is someone in my life right now who wants nothing more than to rest from their labors. I love this person dearly, and they have designated me as the one person they can really talk to. Usually, I love this role. I've never, ever, ever had this role be so hard for me to play. They are exhausted, they have been asked to carry more than any one ever should, and they are really, just, done. I tell them they should stay- they have only seen the worst life has to offer- please please please stick around for the best. They say no- they say they are tired. They ask why I can't understand- how glorious would it be for them to released? And I cry, and I cry, and I cry. And I watch supernatural for hours on end to numb the pain. And I cry in class. More supernatural to make it stop....And I cry at work..... Tell jokes and focus on the little things to make it stop....And I cry to teachers.... And I go to choir, and as long as all I think about is when to cut off, Eh-tehr-nahm, not AY-tehr-nahm, inflate the vowel so you don't go flat, remember keep it a little forward, dark tone here, bright tone here, listen!...I can get through it. UNTIL LAST WEEK!!! When after hundreds of run throughs, our teacher decided to ask us to talk about the feelings of the song. We'd run the first movement probably a hundred times. It's text says:

Oh Savior of the World-

Oh Savior, who by thy cross and thy precious blood hath reedemed us.

Save us- help us- we humbly beseech thee Oh Lord.

      He asked us to describe this one in a word. We got everything from addiction, to hope, to down trodden, to hopeless....but all I could think about was this situation. My word was “desperation”. This is not a movement of or even for the dead. This is not a movement for the sufferer- this is the movement for those of us who have to watch. Who have to live with their loved ones gone, or witness their loved ones dying a little every day. This is the cry of “Oh Lord.....I'm out!! I have given every piece of advice, suggested every resource, prayed every prayer, cried every tear, I have NOTHING LEFT to give this person- and it isn't enough!!! PLEASE!! PLEASE take it from here.” (Kind of like that moment in “Legacy”- “I can't heal this ox!!!! Please help me!!) When I tried to explain this to the choir....it got jumbled. And teary. And I'm pretty sure awkward for everyone (me included- I don't like crying in front of people. Especially people I'm trying to impress. Which, unfortunately, even 2 months and 2 concerts in- is still the chamber choir.)

       So this is new. This is me, unable to sleep, or relax, or think about anything but this at 2:30 in the morning. And I am open to suggestions- or hugs- or anything else any one is willing to give me at this point. Because I'm pretty sure if I bawl through the requiem on tour, my conductor will throw me out of the choir.  

P.S- I thought about begging forgiveness for ramblings and grammar errors again- and then I realized that I write this blog as an outlet, not as an assignment; and my assignments are lucky if they get checked for grammar errors and coherence- especially my ones written at 3 in the morning.

P. P. S- We sound better than this choir. Come hear us some time! 

Challenging Music of Heaven

         Music of Heaven; Jason Robert Brown

             This is without a single doubt the scariest blog post I have ever written. The topic is beyond taboo- it is just not spoken of. But I am writing this because I believe in the power of connection. Brene Brown defines connection as “the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” I discovered the concept of connection when I was given Brene's book, “I Thought It Was Just Me(But it Isn't)”- a study on shame. Another unmentionable topic, the quickest way I can tell you what shame is, is to compare it to guilt. Guilt is “I'm sorry- I made a mistake.” Shame is, “I'm sorry I am a mistake.” It is feelings of worthlessness- it is what we feel when our vulnerability is exploited. Now there are different areas of shame. It runs rampant in image,(I'll be worth something when I'm 20 pounds lighter) it runs in families (when I can be a good mother/make my parents see me, I'll be worth something) and other infinitely personal areas. (Musician shame? It's a thing people. Bomb a solo in front of 32 of your most accomplished peers than come talk with me about shame.) But she also mentioned what she called “religion shame”.

             Brene used the word “religion shame”, because when someone came to her using words like religion, or church, they associated it with negative, shaming experiences. This was opposite of those who used words like, “faith” or “spirituality”, who said their church experience was a huge part of their connective network. I think there are people of both camps in any church. My mother for example- she finds deep connection in her religion. Not just from fellow church goers, but actually from the doctrine of it all. She finds solace in scripture that I've never understood. I've always felt shamed by it- but part of that is that I've never felt very good at the whole thing. Church makes me feel worthless, because I am not any where close to where I should be, to their spiritual ideal, and to my spiritual ideal (which is only slightly different than theirs.) The irony of this is that while in most areas of my life, I can handle shame very well after learning about it. I have a musical support network. I have a physical appearance support network. Teachers, friends, family members, mentors. But I lack a religious support network. Partially because I just won't accept help from people whom I feel like have never been in my shoes. Partially because I feel like I am being judged and found wanting (ha- just like A Knight's Tale) every. single. second I am in that building. So because of this I tend to move against people when I feel religion shame- I tend to attack, to put on the most crusty spiky cynical, angry, angsty, mask I can find. This is exactly what happened in my disciplinary council last week.

           The bishop told me the council would be convened the Wednesday before that Sunday. I didn't think about it again til Saturday night. I had a date, and I couldn't think, feel, or connect to save my life. I woke up Sunday morning feeling absolutely ill from anxiety. Church ended, and I had an hour before my council. I got in my car and just started driving, the opposite direction. I felt like a five year old, running away with nothing but a toothbrush. Fortunately, I remembered the importance of connection. I called a friend who had been through something similar- he was perfect. A god send in that moment. He swore to me that it would be an out pouring of love, that contrary to God giving up on me, this was God releasing me from a contract I just couldn't keep right now. I bawled. I was terrified. It felt like going to a doctors office to get the worst news of your life- but the bad news was your fault somehow. The only way I got through that council was putting on my angry, apathetic face. They talked about my sin, a bit about my background- but mostly about why I did what I did and what they can do to help. It hurt. Bishop knows why. I don't get how the “why” is important. And if I knew how they could help, I would have said something months ago. I know they're called of God, and doing their best. But they said things like “Sarah- you seem like a good girl who wants good things. You're just lazy and not willing to work for it.” “Sarah- so much of what you say is contradictory. You don't make any sense. I think you're just confused.” I showed them my list of things that I want in a husband(the one I put on my blog a few weeks ago.) They laughed. They told me it was unrealistic, my standards were to high, and that is probably why I'm not married yet. I'd never felt so invalidated and worthless in my life. And with every jab, and well meaned critique- I got meaner and more apathetic. I refused to cry. What would it have helped? The bishop said I came off as unrepentant and “hard-core.” I was frustrated. I asked why the bishop needed to see my repentance? It felt like he not only didn't care, but no matter what he said, he didn't believe I could get any better. Why couldn't my repentance just be between me and my savior? I hadn't offended my bishop. Why was this man who I didn't love and who didn't love me (no matter what he says) have to be involved? In the end, they told me I was disfellowshipped, the bottom dropped out of my stomach, I went home and bawled for hours.

           The weeks that followed were an absolute miracle. I've never been so blessed with connection in all my life. People had no idea about what I was going through, but there was an out pouring of love and connection, and compliments, and people supporting me through what they had no idea was one of the hardest times of my life. I think that was Heavenly Father's way of saying “ I KNOW THIS IS HARD PLEASE DON'T LEAVE!!” I acknowledged it, and was very grateful. But every now and then- the shame just pops up. Last night, I desperately tried to explain to a date in one of my classic analogies. “Sin is like a sickness- like a cancer. Most people it's benign, no big deal. An regimen of pills, a shot, a quick laser surgery, and you are good as new. Other people it's more malignant- they have to undergo chemo- a long, painful, private battle, whose results are visible to just about every one. But they get better. It felt like in my case, every radiation, every homeopathic voodoo, every thing had been tried. So they came to me and said “We're going to have to cut out the infected organ/chop off infected limb.” I was terrified. I told them I wasn't ready, that it wouldn't help anything. They assured me that all would be fine and proceeded to remove the problem area. A last ditch effort, all is saved!! Except...I don't feel any healthier. I'm still sick. Nothing is getting better. And there's nothing else you know to do.” I feel like at this point, I'm supposed to either get better, or go away. I'll never be comfortable with the second option, and it seems like the first is never going to happen. After attempting to go to church this morning, there were more tears and just a general feeling of hopelessness, of being a decidedly second class citizen in a building full of people who all have their trials, but certainly nothing like mine.

           Now- why do I write this? Connection. Partially for selfish reasons. You read it and it offends you? Let me know. Let me know what would do in my shoes- as someone who is going through something that is never talked about, but needs connection to process and handle it. You read it and think that stuff like this should never be talked about online in such a public, unerasable forum? (Hi, Dad!) Let me know. You read this and feel cheated because at some point I gave you spiritual advice, and you feel like this makes it of less value? First of all, your wrong. Second of all, tell me about it.(Dear EFY babies- you are 90% of the reason I didn't want to write this. Because I love you all dearly, and I love who I was that summer. I have refused to apologize through this entire process. The people who I have hurt, have hurt me right back, and we are working through it together. But of you all- I would beg forgiveness. I would promise improvement. I would plead for your patience, as I work to get back to being the role model I know I was for you once.) But partly- it's because I so wish I had something like this to read a few weeks ago. Shame runs rampant in isolation and silence. But if you turn to someone who is ashamed and say “You know, I've been there. Let me tell you about my experience. Let me tell you how everything is going to be ok.” All I can do is hope and pray that some day, some one will come across this, and need something that was said. Maybe God can facilitate connection and love even through those of us who aren't in perfect standing with the church :)

PS- Please forgive the rambling and spelling and grammatical errors in this piece. I knew that if I reread it even once, I would chicken out and not post it.

When I Fall in Love.......But Not Right Now.

Craig Hella Johnson and Conspirare- When I Fall in Love/Nearer My God to Thee

(Stop listening after the song- there are some weird ramblings) 

       So this summer, I have some of the coolest roommates ever. We don't hang out much ever, but when we do talk, they give great advice. Also, one of them works for an awesome gym, she told them we were in a, “co-habitating relationship” and voila, free gym membership for Sarah!! So I've been trying to fix my eating habits to match my new found work out ethic- I buy spinach, and whole wheat pitas- I eat salads, I make smoothies. But every now and then, something gets a bit wrong and the situation looks a bit like this....

It's a brilliant beautiful summer day and you are strolling. Maybe a busy city street,

maybe an ocean board walk. You have been healthy! Maybe you went on a run today,

maybe you went swimming and played volleyball- regardless. You have accomplished!!

And not the lame kind where you feel like you need to reward yourself, but the kind that makes you want to achieve more, do the same tomorrow. Ambitions of salads with low fat dressing dance through your head when all of a sudden......that smell. Think the smell of french fries, the smell of churros, popcorn, cotton candy, funnel cake, whatever your favorite guilty pleasure is- it assaults you. Your stomach doesn't so much gurgle, or rumble, as it throws an absolute coup. It somehow sends out militant spies, takes over your brain and informs you at gun point that you NEED WHATEVER IS MAKING THAT SMELL IN YOUR STOMACH!!!! No! Your brain pleads. NO!!! Please, we were doing so well!! Think of abs! Think of swimsuit season!! Think of grilled chicken, tofu, fresh berries!!! SMELL. STOMACH. RIGHT NOW. In this inner organ hostage situation, you walk over and acquire the olfactory siren source, and in the midst of wild anticipation take your first bite. BLISS!! JOY!! ABSOLUTE TASTE NIRVANA!!! You set into this food like the ravenous junk food wolf you are. But wait?! What is this nonsense!? About 1/3 of the way into the ambrosia you so thought you desired, your stomach informs you- “Actually, this is kind of boring, bordering on gross. Also I don't feel to well. Whatever happened to that spinach and grapes idea?” At which your brain gets murderously frustrated, and you eat the rest basically out of obligation, because its in front of you, and convenient, and in spite of all the promises of tasty joy, just kind of registers as a boring, underwhelming mess.

            Am I the only person who has ever done this in dating? My love life this summer/spring/winter has been....eventful to say the least. But if you know me at all- it always kind of is. So I decided, come hell or high water, I was going to make this work. I was going to try dang it!! So I bent and twisted and compromised in ways that I had always refused to before (Not dirty compromises- just...relationship compromises) I was talking to a friend about how frustrating it was, and how all the compromises had made me deeply unhappy and they asked a very basic question. “What do you want? What is your end game?” I thought about it blankly for a while. My end game was for this to work out- to never be in the limbo, unsure, unhappy world of single dating in Utah again. She gave me homework- she told me to go home and make a list of the things that I needed in a relationship, that I wanted in a relationship, and the things that would be kind of nice. This is an over view of the needs I came up with

1. Spiritually, we need to be on the same level.

He might actually have to be a bit above me.

2. Cultured and Intelligent

3. We communicate well.

4. He needs to be my best friend.

5. He needs to be kind.

6. We need to be physically attracted to each other.

7. We need to trust each other.

         As I wrote, re-wrote and contemplated this list, to my dismay I realized that NONE of the boys/men I've been dating in the past.....well....years have a lot of these needs. Now I look back and think “Gosh, what did we have in common?” But when that question surfaced at the time, the mental response was something like “IRRELEVANT!!!!! WE ARE SO IN LOVE!!!!” Tiny rational voices pleaded “Didn't you want a worthy priesthood holder? Someone who loved and put God as a priority in his life?” And the little girl inside would wail “ HE LOVES ME!!! HE IS ESSENTIAL TO MY SELF ESTEEM!!” “Why do I need someone driven, cultured, intelligent- he needs me!! I am needed, my life has a purpose!! The list is unnecessary.” This method of dating has not worked out so well for me so far.

           (A side note- I've never been in a relationship with someone I wouldn't call a wonderful man. I've loved them all deeply. They are good, respectful men. But sometimes- people are just incompatible. And this thing, what I shall call the french fry phenomenon, kind of blinds us to that, leading us to try to “make it work”, spending months investing more emotionally than we should, trying to shove a metaphorical square peg into a round hole.)

              Which lead me to a drastic decision- I'm going on a dating fast of sorts. From about 2 weeks ago until christmas break. The iron clad parts of it- no kissing. Not even one peck for six months. I will not be in any relationships- part of the french fry phenomenon is that because of the excitement, the two of you try to push the relationship faster than it should go. Marriage is mentioned far earlier than it should be. You become co-dependent. Expectations are formed. And I hate, I haaaaaate not being able to live up to expectations. I would much rather be the one getting her heart broken, than go to a boy who has this idea in his head of a happily ever after with me, and inform him its just not going to happen. Then he asks why. And then I have to tell him. All around, it's kind of miserable. So!!! Until circa Christmas-tide, no expectations!!! To be honest, that one sounds more like a holiday than a fast. Six months of not disappointing a soul other than God, my father and my professors!! Ah.....bliss. As for individual dates- this remains to be seen. Because expectations and intentions are not always voiced on the first date. I've been on get to know you dates I've mistaken for romantic dates, and romantic dates I've misinterpreted as just-friends-hanging-out(INFINITELY MORE AWKWARD!!) But kissing. Kissing/ verbal manifestations of intent/expectations seem like a good line to draw for now.

So dear readers- what do you think? What do you have on your list? Is mine asking too much? What are your bets on the dating fast? My bishop said he would put money against it....stupid bishop. I am the master of my fate!!! I am the captain of my.....dating life. Sort of.  

Battle Hymn of the Republic- But not like you probably think.

Battle Hymn of the Republic, Arr. Wilhousky, Sung by the MoTab

        No everyone- this is NOT a patriotic post. I love our country, am grateful for our liberties, the opportunities it affords us etc. etc- but that post will have to come around in 349 days. This is about devotion to a different source.
        I have done this with two separate, but very different choirs. The first was under American Festival up in Logan with Craig Jessop conducting- very cool experience. About 3-400 people in that choir, and it was the end of our patriotic concert- definitely power. Craig Jessop- despite being a world renowned conductor, and a fabulous human being- is a patriot. He got his start in the Air Force band folks! We could tell how much the song meant to him, and it bled over to our interpretation of it. The second time was a few years later in an auditioned church choir. Latter Day Voices WAS doing a patriotic concert- but the focus was much more on the religious aspect of it.(kinda what I am going to focus on today- if it's not your thing, feel free to stop here) A different experience for sure- more intimate- I felt connected to each and every member of the choir and more to the conductor because of our personal relationship. Kinda the difference between being a member of an army versus a .....little army? A platoon? A corp? I just love how militant the drums and the trumpet sound at the beginning. As a side hobby, I've always been kind of fascinated by military history. Where I grew up in Maryland has a ton of Civil War battle sites near by, and my mom got me into historical fiction...novels doesn't do them justice....there were 7 books, about 500 pages each....epics I suppose...about the revolutionary war. Which brings us to today's very, very extended and someone stretched, gospel to music to real life analogy time with Sarah.
       Thinking back on previous wars during sacrament meeting today(which, confession, is where I usually write these blogs) I realized something: the colonials won because we used guerrilla warfare- the north happened to win relatively soon after we let African American's join the army- we got our butts handed to us in Vietnam because again- the guerrilla warfare thing...and the land mine thing....and the child soldier thing...but analyzing all of those together we find out- the side that is willing to use the unconventional soldier usually wins. But what is an unconventional soldier?
      Easier to define, and better fitting to the analogy right now is the conventional soldier. So, a story. Once upon a summer, I worked at a boyscout camp. We showed up for staff week (a poorly disguised labor camp of a week with ditch digging, log hauling etc) with our grubbiest clothes on- all except for one teen aged staff boy. He arrived with a spotless uniform, with a sash that was decked out in an almost ridiculous amount of boyscout merit badges. Nicknames were quickly made and thrown around that week. I was Mom- we had Sunshine, Grumpy, Sugar Face, Lil' Jon. But this kid was the only one to pick out his own nickname- he wouldn't answer to anything but Patches. It was obvious this young man thought of himself as "The Super Scout". But as the summer wore on, his lack of obedience, leadership, and any social skills at all, made it obvious that the patches on their own didn't add up to much.
     Now, it might seem like I am ragging on this kid- but I TOTALLY get him. "What?" cries the inner Sarah, "An accomplishment that can be recognized and admired by everyone?! Sign me up!!" "An opportunity to display an experience or accomplishment or piece of knowledge I have that most people don't!?! Dibs."I get the driving need for recognizable, measurable accomplishments. Many of the people I admire most in my life have these- multiple degrees. A tiny waist and the perfect wardrobe to boot. The dream job, at a ridiculously young age. Patch, patch, patch, and the same as at camp worthless without the values that should go behind them. Now! I am not saying that all conventional soldiers are bad. I live in Utah y'all......I could tell you a gosh darn thing or two about a conventional soldier( I was an EFY counselor for crying out loud). The Relief Society president who seems to always be happy. The home teacher who comes on the first of the month. Bishops, Institute teachers- but the titles aren't what makes them awesome. I've had many bad teachers, bishops, presidents and home teachers. But when they have the love to back it up- that makes them 'the perfect soldier'.
    Now back to that revolutionary war analogy. During the 1770s- there was a very established (very European) fighting method. You recognized both sides by their uniforms, the officers by their extra regalia, and when it was time to fight each other, you found a nice open field, made nice lines, and shot each other. When the dust cleared, the ones still alive would go to the back of the line to reload and do it all again...kind of like an assembly line of death. But the Indians had taught us camouflage- fire, duck and run, always under cover of forrest or brush. The British even provided us with neat targets, with there uniforms cross straps, directly over a kill spot on their chests. In the revolutionary war we were outmanned, outgunned, outclassed, out-resourced....but we won because there was a new method of fighting. The unconventional soldiers won the day.
      Now to unravel the analogy- every time I hear songs like this one, or Onward Christian Soldiers or See the Mighty Priesthood Gathered or We are all enlisted- I love thinking of the army of God. I get chills thinking of millions of people, across generations and even just in our time- rallying in complete devotion to our cause- that right will prevail. God certainly needs his generals, his ranks and ranks of uniformed, unified soldiers- his bishops, his EFY counselors, but that CAN NOT BE ALL HE HAS!!!    Satan's host are as varied as the lies he tells them to get them to join his cause. A fight against that with nothing but Molly Mormons and Peter Priesthoods would fare no better than the British did against their lot of colonial rabble. We need people with different backgrounds, maybe a habit or two they are still trying to break. Think Al Fox, the "Tattooed Mormon". Think Josh Weed, who came out on his blog, saying he was LDS, happily married to a beautiful wife....and gay. The enemy is getting sneaky- we need these people. The girl who can't take the sacrament, but comes every week anyway. The man who is deep in the thralls of a pornography addiction, but finds the humility to stick with what he knows is true, and the courage to go to a 12 step addiction meeting. Think of the lone remaining member in a family who has fallen away- who to appease his mother says he's going to soccer on Sundays, while sneaking his church clothes in his bag to catch the last little bit of Sunday school and go to sacrament meeting when he can (I've met all these people. They are amazing.) These are God's guerrilla warriors- and they are so important!! Don't try to force them into uniform when they aren't ready- these are peoples who were prisoners of war in the enemy camp, maybe some of them even fought willingly- but didn't Alma the younger? We NEED them!
     Please understand me. I am not encouraging a lack of devotion- we can afford no Benedict Arnolds. I am not excusing compliance, for failure to do our best would drive us to defeat as sure as out and out surrender. But these people ARE DOING THEIR BEST!!! This is the face we should present to converts!! You don't need to be perfect right now- we appreciate everyone. We BELIEVE in improvement, variety, CONVERSION! These are the people we need right now.

Now I know this is one of the longest blogs I've written, but I've felt for a while it was needed.  Stay with me a little longer- I want to tell another story, this one- actually completely to music. Click on the link on the top, and 'picture this, if you will.'

(The drum/ trumpet intro)
                    You step into the center of town- people are crowding       
        around a poster- draft orders. Your blood runs cold.
        You knew this day was coming- but you had always thought 
        you'd be older....more prepared. Now it is, you guess.
(Mine eyes have seen....)
                  Decisions are made. Of course you go. All around town, 
       bags are packed, families left with wishes of safe return.
       A scared hope for a good outcome of the war is mixed with 
        anxiety and fear, as everyone moves out. 
(I have seen him in the watch fires)
                People are sorted into their separate camps. Training 
      begins! As inadequate as you feel, you are grateful for 
      your comrades in arms- a certain, esprit de corp is felt. 
       Together, you are being trained to handle the threat; you 
      are becoming soldiers. (In my head, this looks like various      
      scenes from Glory, and different firesides/ Sunday schools  
      I've been to)
(He has Sounded forth the trumpet) 
               At last, time for the first battle! You feel as ready as 
      you'll ever be. There is a certain buzz of excitement as 
      your group falls into ranks- you knew that their were other 
      camps, other groups training....but this many? This 
      organized? How can you loose? The captain takes the stand 
      to make his speech before it all begins.
(In the Beauty)
              An eerie silence now- we remember the odds that are stacked    
      against us- and all of this seems impossible, and maybe 
      a bit ridiculous. The commander of the entire army leads
     you in quiet prayer, reminds you the stakes of what you are 
     fighting for.....and sounds the charge....
(Let us live to make men free!)
             Our training takes over...march. Take care of your brothers.
     We fight in perfect formation, uniformed and unified. But 
     as we march slowly, ducking and weaving through the ranks, 
     the guerrilla warriors RUN. Their training has been  
     different. Some go out to try to capture and convert enemy       
     soldiers and captains. Some to undermine his propaganda. But 
     they all run, fearlessly to do their duty to the cause. 
(Glory glory hallelujah!) 
     Picture a slow motion, time lapse battle scene. Clashes are 
     ferocious, but you are well trained. Like the end of every
     great war movie ever, fighting fades to text over the 
     screen, explaining how the battle was valiantly fought and 
     bravely won.
(Amen)
     Victorious, we rally back around our commander, who reminds 
     us the battle is won, but the war rages on.....are we ready  
     for the next day? He is answered with a mighty, vaguely 
     Spartan sounding, roar of victory and approval.  
       

"There Will Be Rest"

There Will Be Rest- Frank Tichelli

 About a year and a half ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. People ask me all the time what that means. And whether it has medication. It doesn't- and usually I tell them to look it up. But overall- it means that the person tends to see things in stark black and white and has issues connecting to people, leading to very tumultuous relationships. They tend to have some kind of self harming behavior. When I say oversensitive......I've had many people describe this/me differently. Some people just say I come off as over dramatic- no...it does actually feel like my world is falling apart a lot of the time. I had a roommate say she reminded me of a fairy- so small I could only feel one emotion at a time, but I felt it really big!! I had a friend who knew enough about me and how I struggled with different things, and he would play real or not real with me (If the reference is lost on you.....move out from under your rock and read the hunger games). Usually the way I perceive things isn't quite true.....and is rather off in fact. No. That look doesn't mean that person hates you. That phrase does not mean your teacher has given up on you and thinks you will never succeed. No. One wrong note does not mean your musical career is over. And no. Practicing til midnight and stressing yourself into ulcer territory will help neither you nor the choir you direct. Just.....lots of extremes. Think of the times you think of extreme emotions- (More parable time!!)

• You wake up to a beautiful morning. Stretching and feeling at peace with the world, you roll over to look at your alarm clock....which tells you, you should have been at work an hour ago.
• You indulge in gossip about a mutually disliked person with your friend over text, only to look down and realize you sent said text to said disliked person!!
• You forget your words during a performance or work presentation.
• The feeling of being laughed at.
• Being forced to work closely with someone you know doesn't think very highly of you.
• Your significant other of a relationship you've invested in, and made plans for sits you down to tell you how wonderful you are....and how they don't deserve you and so are going to end this before any one gets hurt, it's not you it's them!!!!...etc. etc. etc.
•  You get an email about a lost scholarship, job, or a dismissal from a program.
• You drop (or loose) something expensive) 
• You get a call saying someone you love is in the hospital  

Granted I am focusing on negative examples- you've never seen happy til you've seen me surrounded by friends, comfortable and at a party. You've never seen proud til you see me after a performance I'm happy with (they're few and far between) or with a group of my EFY girls, who I seem to be proud of no matter what. You've never seen in love til you've seen me in the first few weeks of a new relationship (or with Jon when we are particularly, disgustingly in love...it happens.) But in the past few months I've had quite a few of the negatives happen to me. And what takes MOST people to emotional extremes, takes me to....very very dark places I don't like talking about. I would bundle all of these experiences into a feeling called angs-iety. (Get it? Angst and Anxiety? Ba-dum-ch!) If your a color person, I see these as a....dirty, muddy greyish, brownish black. Like oil. It just sticks to you. As a feeling- its when your stomach drops, and then tries to tie itself in knots. Ok! More parables. 

Analogy/Parable 1

         Did you ever play the floor is llava as a kid? You jump from piece of furniture to piece of furniture, (probably making your mother feel a bit of angs-iety for your safety and the safety of her decor) because suddenly the floor, your foundation is no longer safe. Your options are limited, and some evil sibling has moved all the furniture to the other side of the room- leaving you stranded. You look down at your 'island'....and think "Whelp. I'm gonna have to get comfortable here." That's what it is like to be drowning in angs-iety....you really see no way out.

Analogy/Parable 2

     Angs-iety is to my heart, what the sun is to a grape. There is almost a physical sensation of tension and....wrinkling. And then you have a raisin. No way to get back what you once had.

How do you make a raisin back into a grape? In real life....I'm pretty sure you can't. In analogy land- choir music. I have songs where, again there is almost a physical sensation of relaxation- massaging away the wrinkles and stress and tension of every day angs-iety....and even not so every day angs-iety. Think Dirait On. How Can I Keep from Singing. Vinea Mea, Barber's Agnus Dei, Jesu Joy of Man's Desiring, and the song I have a link to at the top of the page. I had a very close friend call me this week and tell me about.....angs-iety causing situations that no one should have to deal with it.....especially someone like....my friend. I anguished over it. I wanted to make them the promise that this song makes me....that there will be rest....everything will be ok. I wanted them to feel this sensation of *rub rub rub rub* ping! And the raisin is a grape again!! Like nothing ever happened! 

Another sensation that I want to describe that applies both to the song and the situation I would call..... defiance. Power. Strength. Capability.

• You get done with a really hard workout, and feel on top of the world
• You get an A in the class that you thought would be the death of you.
• That teacher/authority figure who thought you would never amount to much is forced to admit your progress.
• In an argument, in which you know you are defending the cause of right, you are blessed with what words to say to verbally smite your opponent into admitting your correctness.
• Every time you hear the Pokemon theme song(...maybe that one is just me)

Whenever I feel this, I picture myself as Wolverine, standing in the corner of the ring, and my claws just burst out. In songs, this would be Gaudete,  Didn't My Lord Deliver Daniel, Salmo 150, and O Fortuna. You get whispers of this in "There Will Be Rest", at the part where the author swears that "he will make this world of his devising, out of a dream." Another feeling I wish I some how could have communicated to my friend. You feel down and out right now- like a raisin- like you are abandoned on your chair of an island in the middle of a sea of lava, angs-iety. But there will come a moment, after you have been comforted, after the rub rub rub sensation, where you will feel powerful again. Where you will make your world of your devising, rather than being victim to circumstances and the choices of others. And you will put on your lava-resistant full body swim suit and go find and enact retribution on that stupid sibling who moved the furniture. 

Anyway- just some ramblings. More for me than for any one else. But if your reading this tell me- what makes you feel anxious, or powerful? What pushes you to your extremes?