My Own Gethsemane....Oh yeah, Merry Christmas

 Christmas morning- cannot sleep to save my life. A recurring trend this break. This is one of the many days that I hope no one reads my blog; there will be emo-ness. This will also be one of the days that I hope people who do read will give advice- desperately desperately needed.

But for now- a situation to explain. When I was 5 years old my grandma put in a “Broadway Kids Sing Broadway” tape on our 4 hour drive to the beach. I was hooked. For the next fifteen years, that was all I wanted in the entire world; to sing on Broadway- to be a star. To have that adrenaline rush of applause every day for the rest of my life.

I did ok. Lots of shows in high school- one or two leads. Same deal in college, but because the music came easier to me than straight theater, I decided to major in music instead. I loved it. I breezed through theory and aural skills in my junior college- made both advanced choirs, everyone was so impressed. Not the best- but definitely up there. Also while there and in one of my first very, very serious relationships, I decided I couldn't do musical theater and be a good wife and mother. Not the way I wanted to. The desire for it was just gone, like the Lord had just taken it away. A music teacher- a choir teacher, I thought. All my choir teachers had been inspirational. Those were wonderful, all be it big, footsteps to follow in.

Then came the transfer to Utah State- I felt so strongly impressed to come here. This was just the place I needed to be. And here I have met fabulous people, and been taught so much. But I haven't excelled. Not even close. It was so full of talented people- a whole different level than I had seen before. And I just couldn't keep par. I worked so hard, even as I watched my peers who didn't have to. Just a strong musical training since childhood, and they didn't have the issues, the struggles that I did. I didn't make the top choirs, every knew the myriad of problems I had with my voice. I got into an audition only choir at institute- but that is more of a spiritual than a vocal accomplishment. And it was fabulous. An absolute blessing to be surrounded by people who were both talented and grounded in the gospel. Because I made that and I was progressing based on where I had come from, I thought my voice was at least adequate. Which is why it was such a shock when I got the results that I had to leave the program- my voice had too many issues- my classical just sounded too musical-theatery. 5 years into being a music major, 3 semesters from graduating, and I had to stop.

I have never been so heart broken in my life. There are nights I can't sleep, there are days I can't get out of bed- I just lost the ability to handle life. I can't listen to choral, or classical music. I am often angry and impatient with my family. I have no self esteem- for years, because music had come naturally and I had been good compared to those around me, I had based my worth entirely on my success as a musician. My heart aches- all the time. I try to talk to people, and they are all full of suggestions- change your major, stay in logan, don't change your major, just transfer. They know what they are talking about, you should listen to them, they just don't appreciate you, it's all politics. They want me to talk about it, or in the case of my parents- they want me to either avoid the subject or discuss it logically (i.e. without emotion). I can't seem to do any of those. I obviously can't continue in music- they told me I wasn't good enough. I obviously can't stop music- I'm five years in, and it the only thing I am naturally good at. I have to stay- I felt so strongly I needed to be at this school, I am established. I have to go- I don't fit in here. Basically, I am a perpetually crying ball of contradictions. It has officially ruined christmas. One of the reasons I don't want to go to sleep is so Christmas morning can't come to dissapoint. But I have decided- this will be the worst christmas of my life. It can only get better after tomorrow.

But in general- I have no idea what to do anymore. I have no respect for liberal arts majors (sorry Ashley). That is for people who have no passion- who don't know what they want out of life. I have no respect for people who major in something just to make money (I would say sorry Dad, but I know you'll never read this! And I'm not sorry. You sold your soul. Sucks that all your kids know it.) But I don't want anything else- but I'm starting to not want music either. Why would I want to do something I am no good at?

On the upside though- I would never call this a waste of a semester. My voice teacher was amazing. As a matter of fact, if I could have used everything she taught me, if I could even sing for my other teachers the way I sing for her, I would have stayed in the program. I just freak out in front of a panel of people who, I don't know, had already made up their minds to kick me out before I walked in to sing for juries. But wonderful, fabulous teacher. Also- LDV has been a god send. Literally. I have made some of the closest friends I've ever had- they give good advice. Like trust God. Have made much better religious, than vocal progress. So all in all- this semester I found God, and lost music. Although I feel like I got the much better end of the deal- there are also definitely times, I think jumping off the potomac bridge seems like the most rational option. But Jesus loves me, and I love him. So as alone and broken hearted as I feel- I know he has a plan for me, and that plan is fricking awesome. It just feels like he is kind of taking away all of his options- painting himself into a corner. Ugh.

Well- merry christmas everyone. Sorry for the depressing writings. Also- sorry for rambling. I have read blogs that read like victorian-era novels. Mine is just a constant, looping train of thought(if these people think in Charlotte Bronte....good for them I guess). But again- advice would be ever, EVER so welcome.

And Now I'm ready.....

I was a daydream

Quiet and unseen

I lived in stories but inside I kept a mystery

I was a starling

Nobody's darling

Flying in perfect circles just for company

And now I'm ready

And now I'm ready

And now I'm ready to be extraordinary

      Again with the exciting-ness that has been going on since I wrote last. Did a tango competition- lots o' fun. I've decided, If I am....I don't know maybe 28 and unmarried and unhappy with employment, I'm moving to Buenos Aires, the place where I was born; to learn Spanish and become a master tango dancer!!

     Thanksgiving was great- I love my roommate Ashli who I got to go home with. And I love her family- I spent thanksgiving with them too. They are wonderful and affectionate, and definitely foster communication; things that my family definitely isn't.(Present readers excluded, of course.) Went shopping a few times- even on Black Friday- got out without getting trampled. Sang at a farewell on sunday- it was perfect. Well not quite- I definitely messed up some of the words. But that is ok. It was perfect because the three of us girls had all met Steven at the same time, and it wasn't about performance. It was about giving him a gift- telling him we think he will be amazing in Russia-and we are so blessed for getting to know him before he left. 

        These next couple weeks will definitely be ones I "just need to survive" I have a concert tonight. A rehearsal tomorrow night. Than a concert every night until Sunday. Then I get monday and tuesday and wednesday off, then concerts till Sunday again......holy overwhelmed, Batman! 

But less on future, and more on the last little while. Lots of dates- lots and lots. Lots of meeting new people and seeing old friends I haven't seen for months...or years. And I am learning something about me. 

      I am a really good girlfriend- but thats just because I know how to act like one. Because I saw Mom and Dad be so very stable and solid, and other such comfortable but boring adjectives; I know that is NOT what I want. I want passion and adventure and excitement, not just some one dependable. So that is the role I try to fill, but in that I loose myself. I become everything they want, thus allowing them to be romantic like I want them to be- but in so doing, kind of loose myself....in almost every relationship I have ever gotten into. So what do I do to solve this? I look to the relationships that weren't like that. I have had two men in my life who managed to be my lover and my best friend at the same time. In both of those, I gave up the image, being the dream girl- I was pretty sure they weren't going anywhere, so I was just allowed to be myself(ironically, those are the two I ever came close to making any kind of permanent arrangement with. Well played gentlemen; well played.) Now I just need to figure out how to recreate that kind of relationship; but really? I have no idea. These experiences were amazing because they were as natural as drawing breath- they required no work, no conscious thought- I just wanted to be next to them all the time. Conversation never ran out. There was no awkwardness, just 'being' was enough for me, and enough for them. Which is unusual. Usually I am person who puts effort and thought into...just about everything. So again- how in the world do I recreate that?

        The guys in my life now are great. Whether they are in it for a long or short while, whether friend or possibly something more; they try to make time for me, they try to actually get me to be myself; but they are sort of swimming upstream, because I have no idea how to...how to not impress the guy that I am with. I don't want to be myself- because anyone's 'self' is not exciting and fun all the time, and isn't that what a relationship should be? Maybe? The only ones who get to see the real me, are friends. Ones who I don't need to impress. So they definitely get a one sided view.

      Anyway- enough of that rant. Life is interesting now, because unlike SOOO many other times in my life- relationships are the only thing in my life right now that I don't have together. I have good strong friends- I feel like I am making progress in my major, getting my work done and practice time in. Me and God are on the best terms we have been in years. Latter Day Voices is like EFY everyday- I have teachers, friends and family in my life who want me to be happy, who are willing to help me succeed. So in every other aspect- I have never been more myself, or a better version of myself than I am now. I am on the brink of extraordinary-I just have to figure out how to apply that to relationships..........Suggestions are welcome. 

Crazy Weekend- 2 concerts since thursday!!!

Don't pay attention to weird faces I make when I sing!!! 

Tender Mercies and the Borrowed Knight in Shining Armor.

Song that comes to mind at the moment-

I am amazed that He's aware of me

I am amazed to approach Him prayerfully

How painfully He loved me, oh how painfully

I am amazed at His tender mercies over me

So this has really been a heck of a week. I can't tell you why- just lots of little things. When you get to college- low self esteem doesn't disappear, but you usually have good ways to handle it. I don't know why, but my defense just sucked this week. One of the hard things about my personality, is that I put every one on a pedestal. To me- everyone is beautiful, everyone is talented and amazing in there own ways. Mr. Boss for example, lets call him- he has done so much- so so much- so accomplished, and brilliant, and a hard worker to compound it all, thus making him far, FAR above the curve for his age, and not a little intimidating. (He hates it when I call him those things....hey dude, just returning the favor <3) 
But I can never do that for myself. My room mate is sweet, and a saint- I am snarky and impatient and a perfectionist. My friends are GORGEOUS- like COULD BE VICTORIA"S SECRET MODEL kind of deal- I am neither fat nor thin, with hair that never wants to cooperate(I'm in utah- the place that doesn't have any humidity at all!! COME ON!) My choir friends are....oh my lanta don't get me started. All of the above, then talented...so talented...sing in front of thousands level of talented....make chambers level of talented....get their masters level of talented....AND YOUNGER THAN ME!!! I am fighting to stay in the program, with teachers who won't take me seriously, and a musical theater background(Not even a good one at that). But everything came to a head today- in all fairness, it is kind of ridiculous. I didn't get to see my current Romeo- and he didn't text me saying he missed seeing me, cause it always makes his day! and continuing to profess his undying love. (What? I don't base my self worth on looks, singing and boys! That would just be silly, Ha!(Continues to nervously laugh) ) So upset about that. A little bit, I still feel like an outsider in this amazing choir of mine. They get up and talk about their incredibly strong friendships with everyone....I wish I had more of that. I really do. Today got really bad. I thought for a brief, brief second of not coming back to the choir next semester- because one can only take so many days of being reminded how not-as-gorgeous- and not-as-spiritual you are. But then- not romeo, he's someone elses romeo- came charging in on a white horse and talked me through it. A little bit- I love it when boys are practical. Thats how I think- in extremes. In definable, practical, concrete, extremes. And he just spelled out why I am worth just as much as other LDV girls, and other things that I have to work on. See? Good practicality! (List of pros and cons of dating me? Also good practicality, but I don't think I'll ever ask to see it in future relationships.) 
Some good things of the week- we went down to sing at the fireside last night. Incredible, very spiritual experience. Here is the part I would post a link, if the CES system thought that it wasn't important to record the choir >:( But still cool. And got to see a good friend from high school, just got back from his mission. Oh heavens he is attractive. (JIC...hola moreno!) 
Also, got some good practicing in, sang in vocal recital hour, and in another good talk with my borrowed knight in shining armor- discovered that "Men are that they might have joy" Is a commandment. Not giddiness, not elation. But joy- contentment. If you see someone who is keeping the commandments, but doesn't have that joy, that inner peace- they are doing something wrong. It is not heavenly fathers fault- he is trying to make us happy. Very good talk. 
Also went grocery shopping- Oh dear sister. Oh people who are preparing for college- I wish there was something I could do to prepare you for that experience- but there's not much. Try to decide things you LIKE to eat, and things you NEED to eat. Things that you like so much will be gone the first day- usually not worth your money. The whole budget thing- I think that was my hardest part of college.
Nice thing about Marin- She's an artist. Like....holy hannah. I love the way she draws. Its realistic- but in a hopeless romantic way. I think we get that from our mother- but its kind of dead in her now. Thats ok mom! You might not be romantic anymore, but your legacy lives on in your daughters! Anyway- just really really good paintings and charcoals and pencils etc. I hope she turns out to be an art major. 
Oh yeah! And she does photography! She is a picnic MASTER! She makes a lot of my profile pictures. 

Schubert vs. Whitman vs. the Zombie Gypsy- who comes out alive?

What a week. Oh what a week. Survived a music history test, and a math test. got a utah drivers license. Fell in love a few times....Went bobbing for apples on steroids. (that is the activity was intensified- Definite lack of Sarah's taking of anabolic substances....that could be read wrong)

So this week had two tests- music history, which had a review sheet which was a 4 page list of terms, people and songs we needed to know. And I was getting sick so I didn't study too hard. But! I survived; apparently my knowledge of Beethoven, Mozart, Stamitz and the Mannheim orchestra, Handel and Haydn is sufficent. Now on to the romantic period- Schumann, Schubert and brahms- one of my favorite musical eras. Emotion running out of check, it could be as loud or soft as you wanted....a little bit it was the time of the emo kids. (Don't believe me? Go do some research on Berlioz's love life...or better yet Schubert's life in general)
But speaking of emotion- we get to this song that has been stuck in my head....since wednesday. It's called "out of my league". If its one thing college has taught me about myself, its that I tend to put people on a pedestal, while kind of portraying myself in a lower light( though in my opinion, usually its deserved on both sides). But once upon a time, there was this guy. Really nothing special about him. Thats a lie. There is everything special about him. He kind of makes me want to reread and then rewrite this.... which is half inspiration and half intimidation...both great motivators. And maybe I would spend a bit more time trying to make this sound "Whitman-esque" ( my favorite favorite writer, "Oh captain, my captain" "I am not to be tamed- I am not the least bit translatable" "For who but I should understand lovers, all their joys and sorrows?") if there was half a chance he would read this. (If you are.....sweet. Give me a call!) So I listened to this song about....37 times since wednesday. Sadly- thats not an exaggeration.
But on the upside- to slightly lesson obsession with this one, there was a guy who came to one of my classes today dressed as Malcom Reynolds!!! (:D If you don't know who that is marin, remind me to bring home my season of Firefly sometime. He is perfect age, good instrument, pretty dang cute. Life is generally happy- and yes dearest Stephen, I do still fall in love at least once a day.
Fought the DMV and won! That open book test sucks- but at least its open book in this state, and everyone speaks english!! THANK YOU JESUS!!!
Also- we had a Latter day voices halloween party, and I dressed up as a gypsy!

This was before I went bobbing for apples in these huge massive buckets(the red thing behind me) and got wet to my shoulders, and my smudged make up made me into zombie gypsy (Eye roll). But it was a fun party, good food, good people(have I mentioned how stellar all of my LDV people are? You know a little bit marin, one of my fellow sopranos is the reason I kind of....got mad enough at you to start this....except she's awesome and that was definitely NOT what she was trying to do) 

Also! Got dream coat this week- its beautiful and my last birthday present- 

And Julienne- one of THE most EPIC girls ever, is going to help me sew pockets into it. (D Have already gotten many compliments, life is wonderful. Also, going to a Ralf Vaughan Williams/ Monteverdi concert tonight. Pretty psyched. 

Also- decided that since this is more of a 'whats happening in Sarah's life so family can kind of keep up means that I don't have to be poetic...or traditionally poetic. I am poetic- in a prose sort of way. Over and out, happy halloween everyone! (PS- comments are way more than welcome!!)

"A volcano-that-almost-exploded-then-didn't" or "Is there any other way to take that?"

So I feel a little better now- and my roommates aren't from brigham they are from SoJo(south jordan.)  Math sucks. Tell the family I love them! And show this to them- as long as you double check its appropriate-

Dear readers who are not marin(Maybe your out there- hello?)- I'll work on this, and not make it quite as obviously marin centered!! Love you bunches!!

So I didn't blog for the last few days- thought this  might make up for it. Took me a while to figure the dang thing out- but it will work.

Uneventful Day

Hopefully todays entry will be pretty short- 1. Because I don't have much to write about, 2 because I really should be doing math homework.

So I'm deciding that some of the things I do in my life really aren't worth my time...maybe not things. Maybe people. Boys. I'm kind of tempted to wear a shirt that says "I have enough friends. Talk to me if you want a date though." This of course is untrue- one can never have enough friends. But I am getting tired of boys who don't quite know which category I fit into. And who make me wait. And wait. And wait to figure out. This is the point where if I was my sister- I would tell her something like stop letting them waste your time. Hmmm....

But its ok- because I have some very good girl friends who are the best support system ever; who show me that while I crave male company- in excess, or in poor quality, it is very time wasting. "You can't live off of granola bars". College is a time of excess- some people spend too much time doing homework and never leave the library- some people do nothing but play video games and fail there classes. Some people try to live off of Ramen and have enough sodium for 4 life times. But the point is balance- since no one forces it on you in college you have to make your own, and at them moment.....epic fail. 

So something I did today reminded me about one of the most amazing things about Marin. She is the BEST missionary- EVER! We are both very active members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints. But I have issues....MAAAAAJOR issues talking to people about it. Probably cause I have some super anti people in my life- and I worry about trying to sell people something they don't want. But Marin has no such issues- she has converted like 3/4 of her friends. When I didn't have LDS friends in MD- I cursed the fates and hung out with people who didn't have my same beliefs. Marin just decided she wanted her friends to hang out with her at church- because she loves her friends and wants to show them God loves them too. Missionaries came and gave us a peptalk yesterday- the main thing I took away was it is not so bad spreading gospel- because you are just telling people they are loved- and gave away two tickets for our institute of religion concert on sunday! Woot. Marin should be proud :)

High School Never Ends

So the other day my sister called me freaking out about college- this probably won't help too much.
90% of the time- college is amazing. And never ever once have I wished to be back in highschool- the teachers here are usually more chill, the classes are more interesting because you get to pick them!! Not one or two, ALL OF THEM! You get to stay up till 4 talking about either absolutely nothing, or the meaning of life. You can sleep through all of your classes and eat ice cream for breakfast in bed! You can spend your grocery money on the most EPIC PARTY OF ALL TIME!! You can date the boys you know will never work out!(......but there are consequences.....but I'm pretty sure those things weren't even OPTIONS in highschool)
Granted- you have to start being a grown up. Deal with a lot of things all at once- money, classes, religion, social life, love, family, facebook(the latter gets FAR more of my attention than it should.) Tests get harder. Friends are made easier some times- but also fall away faster. Suddenly- everything is much more of a big deal. What you don't have a major yet? You....aren't married? Don't have a masters? Don't have your dream job? Don't know what your dream job is? Have never been madly in love?! Your behind!!! No one levels the playing field in college- in highschool- yes there were some people who were smarter, more beautiful, more talented- but in college thats suddenly magnified. (Maybe because my highschool was 500 people and my college is a good 20,000- I'm not a math major, but that may have something to do with it) And there will be people who have accomplished more- that didn't happen too much in highschool. But all of sudden- there are people your age who have traveled the world, performed professsionally, gotten married or created cold fusion(Not quite sure about the last one). You start thinking about how much famous people had done at your age (I be mozart never failed a music history test- Thats because he was already a professional before he could walk. Dumb)
So the thing that annoys me is when I keep my highschool glasses on. When I have awful habit of comparison- everyone is more accomplished, more beautiful, more talented, and I am back in the corner, same reject I was since I was 14. This is not nearly as true in college- I have many close friends, in some of whose circles, I am kind of a little bit cool- but some circles will just all ways evade me- brining back memories of highschool. Also- there is always that sinking feeling of "There was homework?! Shut up. Shut up! Oh noes....." And people you really don't want to deal with- and teachers who think they are your friends but aren't- teachers who think their class is the only one your taking- there will always be people who think they are so cool- on the upside- not many people like them in college.
But there is hope marin! There will be room mates and teachers who will tell you this is just an illusion- you and your accomplishments/talents etc. are enough to make you worthwhile! (Not their word- mine. They use flattering ones- but I'll compromise to worthwhile for now.)
Anyway- Nice thing 2. Dang it I was thinking of something today. I need to do these posts right when I think of something. But this will do for now. My sister has a job. In highschool. Something I never did. And not only that- its a job she thoroughly enjoys!! Do you know how few people accomplish that IN THEIR LIVES?! (Granted they pay her slave wages, but we can over look that.....slightly over slave wages maybe...oh racist. Oh holy racist. Bad Sarah, bad!) But she honors her commitments and juggles school and drama and church and work!!!??? Crazy isn't it?!
(Here's a plug for them...)

Lets see how this goes- Re; 10 Nice things

So........I will catch you all up on the story of my life later- for now, this will kind of be like a public journal.
I'm a music major at Utah State- LOVE it. Its demanding, but I have drive; if not as much talent as I would like. I'm from Maryland though- left a family behind. Not super close- I had kind of a rough go as a teenager and pushed them pretty far away. But I have been blessed with some awesome roommates and college friends- so now I'm just kind of combating the idea that my starter family was something that just....kept my expectations low enough.
But lately its been hard- I have a lot of close friends with really really really good family support and I get....jealous would be the wrong word. Como se dice, missing something you never had?
We had a party last night- spinach and artichoke dip and home made salsa for chips, pumpkin toffee cheesecake, and wassail and hot chocolate to drink(Hit me up if you want recipes- it was all amazing) Played shuffle buns and lap tag(Hit me up if you want instructions- SOOO much fun). But afterwards had a deep conversation about familial support systems- I tried to stay quiet about my lack thereof.
Now don't get me wrong- I am certainly not from a disfunctional family (I feel like Lilo- "I am well adjusted- I eat 3 meals a day excersise all the time and get...disciplined?) My parents always gave me all of what I needed and most of what I wanted- there was just no affection- no deep relationships, or cute little nicknames. Or threatening of dates with shot guns. Could have used that a time or two. I had lousy tastes in guys when I was younger.
But just wound up upset and posting some old teenage poison on facebook. Mom said "You poor baby" and laughed and hung up. Soooooo like her. Marin on the other hand supprised me. http://tennicethings.blogspot.com/ . Thank you world- apparently someone does care- though marin- out of sight out of mind is not an excuse- it is what is bothering me. I don't think that applies to people you actually love. Correct me if I'm wrong.
But. I love my family- its just exhausting to give 100 and get 10 percent back. But here. In honor of mom
Oct. 17, 2010. Nice thing #1.
My little sister has the most amazing hair. Women pay lots of money to try to get close. I get emotional whenever I see some teen girl with red hair in Utah. I always ask her if it takes her 2 hours to blowdry. She usually says yes. Learn to use a blowdryer marin!!! I miss you.