Christmas morning- cannot sleep to save my life. A recurring trend this break. This is one of the many days that I hope no one reads my blog; there will be emo-ness. This will also be one of the days that I hope people who do read will give advice- desperately desperately needed.
But for now- a situation to explain. When I was 5 years old my grandma put in a “Broadway Kids Sing Broadway” tape on our 4 hour drive to the beach. I was hooked. For the next fifteen years, that was all I wanted in the entire world; to sing on Broadway- to be a star. To have that adrenaline rush of applause every day for the rest of my life.
I did ok. Lots of shows in high school- one or two leads. Same deal in college, but because the music came easier to me than straight theater, I decided to major in music instead. I loved it. I breezed through theory and aural skills in my junior college- made both advanced choirs, everyone was so impressed. Not the best- but definitely up there. Also while there and in one of my first very, very serious relationships, I decided I couldn't do musical theater and be a good wife and mother. Not the way I wanted to. The desire for it was just gone, like the Lord had just taken it away. A music teacher- a choir teacher, I thought. All my choir teachers had been inspirational. Those were wonderful, all be it big, footsteps to follow in.
Then came the transfer to Utah State- I felt so strongly impressed to come here. This was just the place I needed to be. And here I have met fabulous people, and been taught so much. But I haven't excelled. Not even close. It was so full of talented people- a whole different level than I had seen before. And I just couldn't keep par. I worked so hard, even as I watched my peers who didn't have to. Just a strong musical training since childhood, and they didn't have the issues, the struggles that I did. I didn't make the top choirs, every knew the myriad of problems I had with my voice. I got into an audition only choir at institute- but that is more of a spiritual than a vocal accomplishment. And it was fabulous. An absolute blessing to be surrounded by people who were both talented and grounded in the gospel. Because I made that and I was progressing based on where I had come from, I thought my voice was at least adequate. Which is why it was such a shock when I got the results that I had to leave the program- my voice had too many issues- my classical just sounded too musical-theatery. 5 years into being a music major, 3 semesters from graduating, and I had to stop.
I have never been so heart broken in my life. There are nights I can't sleep, there are days I can't get out of bed- I just lost the ability to handle life. I can't listen to choral, or classical music. I am often angry and impatient with my family. I have no self esteem- for years, because music had come naturally and I had been good compared to those around me, I had based my worth entirely on my success as a musician. My heart aches- all the time. I try to talk to people, and they are all full of suggestions- change your major, stay in logan, don't change your major, just transfer. They know what they are talking about, you should listen to them, they just don't appreciate you, it's all politics. They want me to talk about it, or in the case of my parents- they want me to either avoid the subject or discuss it logically (i.e. without emotion). I can't seem to do any of those. I obviously can't continue in music- they told me I wasn't good enough. I obviously can't stop music- I'm five years in, and it the only thing I am naturally good at. I have to stay- I felt so strongly I needed to be at this school, I am established. I have to go- I don't fit in here. Basically, I am a perpetually crying ball of contradictions. It has officially ruined christmas. One of the reasons I don't want to go to sleep is so Christmas morning can't come to dissapoint. But I have decided- this will be the worst christmas of my life. It can only get better after tomorrow.
But in general- I have no idea what to do anymore. I have no respect for liberal arts majors (sorry Ashley). That is for people who have no passion- who don't know what they want out of life. I have no respect for people who major in something just to make money (I would say sorry Dad, but I know you'll never read this! And I'm not sorry. You sold your soul. Sucks that all your kids know it.) But I don't want anything else- but I'm starting to not want music either. Why would I want to do something I am no good at?
On the upside though- I would never call this a waste of a semester. My voice teacher was amazing. As a matter of fact, if I could have used everything she taught me, if I could even sing for my other teachers the way I sing for her, I would have stayed in the program. I just freak out in front of a panel of people who, I don't know, had already made up their minds to kick me out before I walked in to sing for juries. But wonderful, fabulous teacher. Also- LDV has been a god send. Literally. I have made some of the closest friends I've ever had- they give good advice. Like trust God. Have made much better religious, than vocal progress. So all in all- this semester I found God, and lost music. Although I feel like I got the much better end of the deal- there are also definitely times, I think jumping off the potomac bridge seems like the most rational option. But Jesus loves me, and I love him. So as alone and broken hearted as I feel- I know he has a plan for me, and that plan is fricking awesome. It just feels like he is kind of taking away all of his options- painting himself into a corner. Ugh.
Well- merry christmas everyone. Sorry for the depressing writings. Also- sorry for rambling. I have read blogs that read like victorian-era novels. Mine is just a constant, looping train of thought(if these people think in Charlotte Bronte....good for them I guess). But again- advice would be ever, EVER so welcome.
