Howell's Requiem- What I MEANT to Say

Movement 1- Salvator Mundi

Movement 2- I Heard a Voice from Heaven

           So the last blog that I wrote, I received over whelming support. Connection got me through- like I new it would- like I needed it to. I followed Brenee' Brown's advice about courage, (her definition comes from the latin word, cor, which means heart. She says the word basically means to tell your story with your whole heart) and I was proud of how many of my friends (who knew!?!? People I hadn't spoken to in YEARS were unbelievably supportive!! Thank you, thank you a million times!!) stepped up to the plate to offer love and support, empathy and connection.

                 I can't approach this the same way- the main story here isn't mine to tell. I've gotten permission to skim it- but it certainly won't be as specific as I like to be. (I refuse to be one of those stupid, vague, 'woe is me' facebook poster's, or 'wow, I can't believe some people....you know who you are...' bloggers...they drive me insane.) But here is the overview of what is keeping me up at night, making me cry in the middle of classes and generally....taking over my life.

               This is the first time I'm choosing to focus on a song we're singing in my choir right now. It's a shame I'm pretty sure none of them read this blog- because when I tried to make this comment the other day in class, it made no sense at all. We're doing Howell's Requiem, a catholic song, meant for 'repose for the dead.' The writer wrote it for his son who died, very early in life. And it sat in his desk for almost 40 years, because it was just too sacred to be performed. The last movement captures the feeling very well:

I heard a voice from Heaven saying unto me,

“Write, from henceforth, blessed are the dead which die in the Lord,

For they rest from their labors, even so saith the spirit...They rest.”

               There is someone in my life right now who wants nothing more than to rest from their labors. I love this person dearly, and they have designated me as the one person they can really talk to. Usually, I love this role. I've never, ever, ever had this role be so hard for me to play. They are exhausted, they have been asked to carry more than any one ever should, and they are really, just, done. I tell them they should stay- they have only seen the worst life has to offer- please please please stick around for the best. They say no- they say they are tired. They ask why I can't understand- how glorious would it be for them to released? And I cry, and I cry, and I cry. And I watch supernatural for hours on end to numb the pain. And I cry in class. More supernatural to make it stop....And I cry at work..... Tell jokes and focus on the little things to make it stop....And I cry to teachers.... And I go to choir, and as long as all I think about is when to cut off, Eh-tehr-nahm, not AY-tehr-nahm, inflate the vowel so you don't go flat, remember keep it a little forward, dark tone here, bright tone here, listen!...I can get through it. UNTIL LAST WEEK!!! When after hundreds of run throughs, our teacher decided to ask us to talk about the feelings of the song. We'd run the first movement probably a hundred times. It's text says:

Oh Savior of the World-

Oh Savior, who by thy cross and thy precious blood hath reedemed us.

Save us- help us- we humbly beseech thee Oh Lord.

      He asked us to describe this one in a word. We got everything from addiction, to hope, to down trodden, to hopeless....but all I could think about was this situation. My word was “desperation”. This is not a movement of or even for the dead. This is not a movement for the sufferer- this is the movement for those of us who have to watch. Who have to live with their loved ones gone, or witness their loved ones dying a little every day. This is the cry of “Oh Lord.....I'm out!! I have given every piece of advice, suggested every resource, prayed every prayer, cried every tear, I have NOTHING LEFT to give this person- and it isn't enough!!! PLEASE!! PLEASE take it from here.” (Kind of like that moment in “Legacy”- “I can't heal this ox!!!! Please help me!!) When I tried to explain this to the choir....it got jumbled. And teary. And I'm pretty sure awkward for everyone (me included- I don't like crying in front of people. Especially people I'm trying to impress. Which, unfortunately, even 2 months and 2 concerts in- is still the chamber choir.)

       So this is new. This is me, unable to sleep, or relax, or think about anything but this at 2:30 in the morning. And I am open to suggestions- or hugs- or anything else any one is willing to give me at this point. Because I'm pretty sure if I bawl through the requiem on tour, my conductor will throw me out of the choir.  

P.S- I thought about begging forgiveness for ramblings and grammar errors again- and then I realized that I write this blog as an outlet, not as an assignment; and my assignments are lucky if they get checked for grammar errors and coherence- especially my ones written at 3 in the morning.

P. P. S- We sound better than this choir. Come hear us some time!