Teenage Tragedy- Survivors perspective

Sorry- I never post twice in one day. But I felt really really impressed to talk about this. For people who want to disrespect me or my faith- this is not the place. For people of any faith who want to add comments or support- I would love it. Thank you so much.
This is my baby sister. In a way- its ridiculous how much I love and admire her, and how ridiciously beautiful, fun and talented she is. Also, brave and strong. She is from a conflicted background to say the very very least. We grew up in the same background of LDS vs. Theater. I let the negatives of theater get to me, while not drawing strength from the religion. Marin takes the peace and purpose of the religion and the creativity of the stage and melds them. She lifts everyone around her and often brings people closer to God- the best compliment I can give anyone. But- making her even more awesome- she is religious, without being ridiculously naive- which I unfortunately see a lot out here. She see's whats going on around her, and like everyone around her, wants to help. These photo's are her senior project (in Muggle studies.....yeah Mar.....) and I don't know exactly what purpose they serve- to shock? To raise awareness? To show that she hurts for these people, that she understands, even a little?


Anyway- Like I said, I know I never post twice in one day- but I felt so strongly about this tonight. My choir is doing a performance this weekend and next and I so wish she could see it. I really don't think my sister struggles with the doubts that I did in high school- no her head is on much straighter than mine was at her age. But there were a few moments that I almost lost it tonight- because there are so many girls like Marin, who just need occasional affirmations that they are loved and heard and that heavenly father has a plan for them. And there are others, like I was, who need our message so very much.
We have a few little kids in our show- just to say adorable little things like "I know Heavenly father exists, because there are ponies. And I love ponies. So Jesus loves me!" But this little girl, she must have been our sister Cherry's age, 5 maybe a little less. (Charity is not 5 any more- but she is forever that age in my brain. Like Marin is always 15. maybe 16.) Anyway, I digress. So almost-charity gets up and says " I know heavenly father loves me, and he hears my prayers." And I thought to myself- Dear God- let this little girl hold on to that knowledge- in 7 years when she faces the social cold war that is middle school- the nuclear threats of humiliation and self doubt and popularity contests. Let her hold onto this belief in eleven years when popularity begins to come with a price- will you drink this? Will you take this? Will you loose this much weight? Will you compromise your standards? If not, everyone will walk away from you. Lord- let her know how fiercely she is loved when she rejects the easy roads in high school. Let this girl hold onto this belief in seventeen years when she still doesn't know what she wants to be when she grows up, and she is scared that she will live and die inconsequential and alone.
We sang a song called I am not Afraid. "In the wilderness of worry- in the desert of despair, in the never ending darkness when it feels like no one cares; I am not afraid, I am not alone. You hold me in your hand and will not let me go. Though the waters rise and though the winds may blow, I will not be afraid because I am not alone." To Marin and to all other highschool girls who are scared- (because, lets face it-14-....25? Does it stop then? Is just a scary period) You are not alone. You are never alone- you are loved, you are known. You need to know that not only does Christ live- he lives for and with you. He has suffered the depths of sorrow so you don't have to.
We sang lean on me- that was more fun than any thing else- psh. Like marin has ever had to lean on me. Ever. Pretty sure thats the other way around.
Then we sang "Beautiful to Him." And I just leaned against my friend and cried. Because I remember what it was like to be the girl in some of Marin's pictures. And how not beautiful- how worthless that felt. To be promised by the world, it didn't matter what you did, or what you took- your life was not worth enough for it to make a difference. Wrong! Wrong, oh so so wrong! Not only does the Lord love you- he is proud of you! He understands the struggle, the exhaustion that is your every day life- girls on the east coast- I feel your pain, and so does he. You know what it is to be in the depths, the very throes of the world. You know every curve ball and sucker punch Satan has to throw at you, and baby girl- you beat them. You are stronger than that. And if your not? You can be. He can make you that way, with nothing more than your willingness.
Anyway- I will get off my soap box right after bearing my testimony. In every trial- in every terrifying, life changing moment, the Lord is there loving and supporting you. You are not meant to be like the every day rabble who lives for nothing than moment to moment pleasure- you were meant for accomplishment and the purest love their is, both earthly and divine. And you were meant to help give that to others. I know he lives. He lives with me- even when my life is hard- it would be so much worse with out him, and when I let him, everything is better.
Love you Mar bear.

What do 3 act plays and 3 pan frostings and triple threats have in common?

So its been a REALLY eventful two weeks- well pretty much just last week- but thats alright. This week was fun and relaxing. And- luckily (sort of) for you my blog readers, limited though you may be- most of it has been video and camera documented, mostly because of my new and utterly amazing ipod, which takes pictures :D

Lets start with sunday before last.

You know- in Arizona, we talked a lot about triple threats, defined as someone who sings, dances and acts, usually with some musical theater background. No one has called me that this last week. Which is somewhat dissapointing- here's why.

Last sunday; started the day absolutely FLIPPING OUT about the upcoming audition into the BYUI program. My voice lessons hadn't been going quite like I wanted them to- less singing, more breaking down. My teacher is a saint- I don't know how it is with instruments, but voice is such a personal thing- they aren't insulting how you are handling your five pounds of wood, or twenty pounds of metal- they are telling you whats wrong with you. So as a teacher, you have to be kind of a therapist. Apparently, I am not the only one who breaks down to their vocal coach. But you know- I tried to calm my thoughts, using religion, using logic, using family, friends- nothing worked until I picked up my book, Eat Pray Love. (I recommend it. A lot.) She has this moment where she talks about “ the harbor of her thoughts”. She talked about having very strict rules- no self abusing thoughts, no criticism, no cruelty, no wishing to be someone else. I loved it, it was very easy to call up that image and try to expel panic-y thoughts. Went and did a nonmajor recital. I felt GREAT about it. Like really good- and calm! Definitely a new experience. And I got to wear my pretty new orange shoes- it helped. Observe video. (3 steps from being very angry at computer- because it won't upload my video......).

.....I guess never mind about the video. Maybe facebook will be nicer. Boo.

Monday morning- wake up, go to yoga, shower, get pretty-put the orange shoes back on- and drove up to BYUI- oh my gosh that drive takes forever. Listened to broadway and stand up to not be nervous. The 3 hour drive up payed back in a MAYBE 20 minute long audition/discussion with the head of music up at Rexburg. Singing wasn't half bad- it wasn't musical theater, but I did as best as I know, and have been trained to do. Then he scrutinized my transcript for a few minutes- talked about how my grades weren't perfect- because I had a couple of Cs. Lame. Makes me wish I would have spent a few more minutes on my classes. Here this now younger college kids. Also- never transfer. It sucks. But! On the upside, he said he liked my voice, heard a lot of potential in it. Vocally, I got in! Unfortunately, a week later when I called about administration and admission- BYUI won't admit you if you have more than 120 credits. Actually I wasn't too heart broken. I really, really wanted to go to school with my ginger siblings, but I wasn't too attached to that ideas. In a stroke of brilliance, I remembered if I went to BYU Hawaii- I wouldn't have to freeze from october to May anymore- no such luck. They cap at NINETY credits. Ri-flipping-diculous.

Thursday - I was in a scene for one of my very best fellow theater students. For a directing class, she had to do a piece of Dinner with Friends. She had already done one scene with me in it, and now for the second half had to do the another one. Working with Julienne made me kind of nervous- even though I got a theater associates at EAC- there is so much technique to it that they didn't teach us their. (HEY! Kind of like music- oh EAC- so much amazing experience- almost no technical training- except in dance. Rachel- if you ever read this- you rock my world, and are my hero). But Julienne had hard questions- “Has your character thought of this?” “Are you accusing her here or just admitting it?” “ Are you realizing this now, or have you known this for years?” Stuff that I'd never thought of. But it went pretty well- a couple forgotten lines, a 'dropped' wine glass that wound up broken but we still hit our moments. We made a few good pictures, and had some really strong emotions, it was pretty awesome. Then someone did a scene from Street Car Named Desire- that is my dream role. And I have 50 million ideas about how I would do it. So, don't ask me my opinion about other performances, other than Vivienne leigh and Marlon Brando. Holy amazing.

Weekend-

Ballroom show. A few weeks ago, one of my fabulous fellow dancing students came to me, knowing my extreme interest in team, and said “Hey- we need one more girl for our west coast number- just show up tomorrow morning”. Wham, bam- I am up and dancing every tuesday and thursday morning at 7:30! Days before BYUI audition, I tried out for team next year, and then did the show weekend after that. Kind of stressful- oh my gosh I have never seen so much makeup and hair gel and false eyelashes! Jeez- it was like a pageant with more rhinestones and tassles! But it was fun to watch the other dances and hang out with the friends I have made on team. It went pretty well on both nights- goodness knows that I made my partner practice it with me over. And over. And over. And over again. “Can we do the whips?” “The part with the slide” “The country western part” “The lift” “The whips again?” But it went well- went home and scraped and scrubbed all of my makeup off, slept heavy. 

Tuesday morning- check my email before going to give my costume back and I saw this-

Dear Student,

 

Congratulations, we would like you to be part of the USU Ballroom Dance Company.  We have a spot reserved for you on the Performance Team.  Please continue to check emails for more information about team.

 

Regards,

 (My new coach)

And I went- WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! My poor room mates. It was 7:30 in the morning. But seriously?! Seriously?! Oh my gosh- at EAC- I gave Rachel fits! I was awful! I couldn't pop my hip to the right side!!! And now I am one of ten on the performance team!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Realistically, we will get more in the fall. But still! Not only am I awesome! I am MORE awesome than the other 50 people who didn't make it! Oh narcissistic. Scratch that last.

So this week has been very relaxing- I got onto ballroom team. Good therapy session. I talked a lot to her about our religion- it must be hard to treat people in Utah with out knowing the culture and the religion. I talked to her about the analogy of the 3 act play- the pre-mortal life, and life after this etc. I talked about it in reference to all the things that frustrate me- that frustrate everyone. I get angry at Heavenly Father- for not just, listening and following my plan!!!! It is perfect- I have worked on it so hard! Every tiny little detail. Some times- I want to be like my roommate- she just has so much faith and trust in God- such a great relationship with him. I wish I did. AJ laughed and said- I think God is a good parent- he is used to people being angry at him . Think of parents of toddlers- No you can't eat ice cream for dinner. No you can't go play with your friends in the dark scary playground. No you can't put your hand on the stove to see if I'm lying when I tell you it will hurt you. And toddler/ Sarah acting like a toddler responds- But WHYYYYYYYYY!??????????!!!!!!!! I, HAAAAAATE YOU! But he knows that this is good for you. And he loves you, so he is willing to be the bad guy. Like Andy said. And about the three act play she said- you know- I know you respect and admire these girls who are so faithful and doubtless- but their plays are boring. Your play? Has conflict! Has a main character who knows and is learning more about herself! Who is determined, and presses on through adversity- I would come see your play. She's kind of stellar.

But finally- I had been craving oranges- or just, maybe citrusy things in general. Or maybe it was that once upon a time, I saw “Meet Joe Black” and there was this AMAZING looking orange cake- and I really wanted to recreate it.

Doesn't that look delicious?! So my cake and my cupcakes look NOTHING like this.

I got the idea from allrecipes; here. It had you pour jello liquid into the cake- interesting. Got flavor in it- but made the texture weird. And then did this for the frosting.  Ok- can I tell you my new found respect for all the candy makers of the world!!!! Sugar, water and corn syrup can wreck a pan so quickly. The whole thing got syrupy pretty quick. First pan- went upstairs, and when I came back down- solid. Like, laffy taffy, was going NO-WHERE kind of solid. Ok. Just water sugar and a tablespoon of syrup. So whipped egg whites first- then did syrup thing. Went to fridge to get egg whites out- turn back- its solid again! Different kind of solid- like more of a powdery solid. Still had to chip it out- but it was possible! So I was like- ok. One last time. This time, I put it in the egg whites WHILE it was basically boiling. Made it a bit more liquidy than I would like- 

I will conquer the idea of this frosting! Cause the flavor was good! And it was so cheap to make! So frosting= on going process- orange cake- need a new recipe. Alright! Thanks for reading, over and out til next time!

 

Also- some random little pictures of my beautiful city, 

for which gingers FAIL for not choosing to come to school with me!

 

La Dolce Vita

So- because this isn't a travel blog- and because I want to live to see 25 and NOT be stoned to death by jealous friends and sister- I won't write 50 pages about Italy.

But- I will say this- if you ever get a chance, go, go, GO!!!!!!!

I will go into details before I go into the life changes- We fly through the night on friday and saturday morning- I dislike airplanes- but it was so with it! We come into the Fiuminchino airport, and then our AMAZING tour guide- Eddie, takes us straight into the city. Oh, Rome. We went to my favorite spot my first day- La Fontana di Trevi. (Picture one of me and Tara and the apple).

 I wanted to go back, because apparently if you throw a coin in, it means you will come back to Rome- so if I get a second trip I will get a third- also, I threw a penny into the fountain at the bottom of the spanish steps. I think the gods of Roman Architecture understand. Whirlwind tours of the Colosseum                           (Tara and I kissing Ancient Colossal architecture)

and St Peters the next day 

( Me and Andrew and the Swiss Guard)

                                                              Tara and I outside St. Peters 

Me inside the Basilica

 Then we sang a mass in St. Peters that night. Such an amazing experience. At first- I didn't like the idea of doing LDS hymns inside Catholic cathedrals- (whats that saying? When in where, do as the who do?) but it turned out very well. We sang Guide us O Thou Great Jehovah, “We are weak but thou are able, hold us with thy powerful hand” I cried. Just an overwhelming feeling of “It will be ok”. Not peace- there is a different. You feel peaceful when you feel “it-will-be-ok”, but not necessarily the other way around. The next day, we did a concert in St. Agnes in Agony- again, a wonderful experience, but an intense one- a wonderful experience with a price. Because of all of the major drama, because I didn't know if this was going to be my last experience with a choir ever, I kind of had a mental break down...in Rome....in a thousand year old cathedral- right in front of the teacher who had basically put me in that situation. Not ideal. Just bawling, hyperventilating. I got a blessing to be calm- I made it through, and started to realize- music is not just a love- its what I do. It doesn't matter where, just that I keep doing it. More on that later.

While still in Rome, go to the ancient roman agoras and forums, the pantheon, and the Vittorio Emmanuele monument- or the wedding cake building! (Pure white stone- I can't see any other reason for the name). Bought scarves, and tiny drawings, and bracelets for souvenirs (For those of you who go! Bracelets should be 2 for 5, scarfs should be 4 or 5 euro- don't let them charge you any more than that!) And the vatican museum. Oh my god. So many amazing works of art,including Michaelangelo's painting of the sistine chapel(took illegal pictures for marin...)

My voice teacher and I in our Diva sunglasses

Pantheon

Illegal picture of Sistine Chapel for Mar

On to Florence- saw Medici palace and Michaelangelo's David(took illegal pictures for marin again).

 The Duomo- Gi-flipping-normous building, with a beautiful front of white pink and green marble.

THE OTHER THING ABOUT FLORENCE- This is where you buy things!!! If you want Italian leather jacket, bags or shoes- FLORENCE! I bought a jacket there- Oh man it is great.

Then to a tiny little city called Luca- Marin picture Poolesville- but a bit bigger, everything is walking distance and has like, 7 huge cathedrals. I fell in love with this city. Life is slow and relaxed- and everything is just nice and calm. Our tour guide Gabrieli was my favorite Italian we met the whole trip- spoke with kind of a new york accent- like an older Michael J Fox, plus 30 pounds.

 He was great.                                    Gabrieli

Prettiness of Luca

But also- in the hotel that morning- my room mate and I were watching the news (the only channel in English) and we saw the Japanese tsunami/earthquake about an hour after it happened. We both kind of sat there in shock. (This comes into play later)

We ended the tour in Venice- Oh Venice. My favorite- favorite city. It felt romantic and exciting and generally- beautiful. Picture New York prettified. 

 Bridge of Sighs- Under construction. One of 1000 reasons I have to go back.

Went to Il Piazza de San Marco- San Marco is the cathedral where Monteverdi and Vivaldi debuted their works- oh it was magical. 

We went to Monteverdi's grave actually. I felt very connected- to be honest, Italian rennaisance/baroque music is not my very favorite- but to be so close to something so important to the history of my major was ….center-ing. It brought me back to what I want to do with my life. We did a mass and a concert that night. Standing for a long time in a very cold cathedral, but it was so worth it. The mass was about Jesus and the temptations, the 40 days etc. I know this, because the wonderful old Italian preacher tried really hard to translate the important parts of his sermon just for us- the crazy visiting american choir. Then we did the concert- went rather well- we sang for about 2 hours- I thought it would be absolutely interminable, but I loved it. The choir sang my favorite song twice- Eliza Gilkyson wrote “Requiem” for the 2004 tsunami

mother mary, full of grace, awaken
all our homes are gone, our loved ones taken
taken by the sea
mother mary, calm our fears, have mercy
drowning in a sea of tears, have mercy
hear our mournful plea
our world has been shaken, 
we wander our homelands forsaken
in the dark night of the soul 
bring some comfort to us all,
o mother mary come and carry us in your embrace 


that our sorrows may be faced
mary, fill the glass to overflowing
illuminate the path where we are going
have mercy on us all
in fun'ral fires burning 
each flame to your myst'ry returning
in the dark night of the soul 
your shattered dreamers, make them whole,


o mother mary find us where we've fallen out of grace,
lead us to a higher place
in the dark night of the soul 
our broken hearts you can make whole,
o mother mary come and carry us in your embrace,
let us see your gentle face, mary

The first time was so emotional- thinking of the Tsunami Victims. Then the second time I thought, oh my gosh- this is my last night in Italy. The adults kept saying “Oh! This is a once in a life time experience.” No. No it's not. I couldn't have gotten through that last night without honestly believing I would come back one day.

The flight back was long and jet lag took its toll for the next week- I was exhausted by about 8:00. My friend whose house I crashed at that first night back in SLC, was amazing enough to wake up with me at about 4:30. He's amazing. More later- but today is the BYUI audition(which I will write about) but this one is so long over due- I had to put it up.