(Stop listening after the song- there are some weird ramblings)
So this summer, I have some of the
coolest roommates ever. We don't hang out much
ever, but when we do talk, they give great advice. Also, one of them
works for an awesome gym, she told them we were in a, “co-habitating
relationship” and voila, free gym membership for Sarah!! So I've
been trying to fix my eating habits to match my new found work out
ethic- I buy spinach, and whole wheat pitas- I eat salads, I make
smoothies. But every now and then, something gets a bit wrong and the
situation looks a bit like this....
It's a brilliant beautiful summer day and you are strolling. Maybe a
busy city street,
maybe an ocean board walk. You have been healthy! Maybe you went on a
run today,
maybe you went swimming and played volleyball- regardless. You have
accomplished!!
And not the lame kind where you feel like you need to reward
yourself, but the kind that makes you want to achieve more, do the
same tomorrow. Ambitions of salads with low fat dressing dance
through your head when all of a sudden......that smell. Think the
smell of french fries, the smell of churros, popcorn, cotton candy,
funnel cake, whatever your favorite guilty pleasure is- it assaults
you. Your stomach doesn't so much gurgle, or rumble, as it throws an
absolute coup. It somehow sends out militant spies, takes over your
brain and informs you at gun point that you NEED WHATEVER IS MAKING
THAT SMELL IN YOUR STOMACH!!!! No! Your brain pleads. NO!!! Please,
we were doing so well!! Think of abs! Think of swimsuit season!!
Think of grilled chicken, tofu, fresh berries!!! SMELL. STOMACH.
RIGHT NOW. In this inner organ hostage situation, you walk over and
acquire the olfactory siren source, and in the midst of wild
anticipation take your first bite. BLISS!! JOY!! ABSOLUTE TASTE
NIRVANA!!! You set into this food like the ravenous junk food wolf
you are. But wait?! What is this nonsense!? About 1/3 of the way into
the ambrosia you so thought you desired, your stomach informs you-
“Actually, this is kind of boring, bordering on gross. Also I don't
feel to well. Whatever happened to that spinach and grapes idea?”
At which your brain gets murderously frustrated, and you eat the rest
basically out of obligation, because its in front of you, and
convenient, and in spite of all the promises of tasty joy, just kind
of registers as a boring, underwhelming mess.
Am
I the only person who has ever done this in dating? My love life this
summer/spring/winter has been....eventful to say the least. But if
you know me at all- it always kind of is. So I decided, come hell or
high water, I was going to make this work. I was going to try dang
it!! So I bent and twisted and compromised in ways that I had always
refused to before (Not dirty compromises- just...relationship
compromises) I was talking to a friend about how frustrating it was,
and how all the compromises had made me deeply unhappy and they asked
a very basic question. “What do you want? What is your end game?”
I thought about it blankly for a while. My end game was for this to
work out- to never be in the limbo, unsure, unhappy world of single
dating in Utah again. She gave me homework- she told me to go home
and make a list of the things that I needed
in a relationship, that I wanted
in a relationship, and the things that would be kind of nice. This is
an over view of the needs I came up with
1.
Spiritually, we need to be on the same level.
He
might actually have to be a bit above me.
2.
Cultured and Intelligent
3.
We communicate well.
4.
He needs to be my best friend.
5.
He needs to be kind.
6.
We need to be physically attracted to each other.
7.
We need to trust each other.
As I wrote,
re-wrote and contemplated this list, to my dismay I realized that
NONE of the boys/men I've been dating in the past.....well....years
have a lot of these needs. Now I look back and think “Gosh, what
did we have in common?” But when that question surfaced at the
time, the mental response was something like “IRRELEVANT!!!!! WE
ARE SO IN LOVE!!!!” Tiny rational voices pleaded “Didn't you want
a worthy priesthood holder? Someone who loved and put God as a
priority in his life?” And the little girl inside would wail “ HE
LOVES ME!!! HE IS ESSENTIAL TO MY SELF ESTEEM!!” “Why do I need
someone driven, cultured, intelligent- he needs me!! I am needed, my
life has a purpose!! The list is unnecessary.” This method of
dating has not worked out so well for me so far.
(A side note-
I've never been in a relationship with someone I wouldn't call a
wonderful man. I've loved them all deeply. They are good, respectful
men. But sometimes- people are just incompatible. And this thing,
what I shall call the french fry phenomenon, kind of blinds us to
that, leading us to try to “make it work”, spending months
investing more emotionally than we should, trying to shove a
metaphorical square peg into a round hole.)
Which lead
me to a drastic decision- I'm going on a dating fast of sorts. From
about 2 weeks ago until christmas break. The iron clad parts of it-
no kissing. Not even one peck for six months. I will not be in any
relationships- part of the french fry phenomenon is that because of
the excitement, the two of you try to push the relationship faster
than it should go. Marriage is mentioned far earlier than it should
be. You become co-dependent. Expectations are formed. And I hate, I
haaaaaate not being able to live up to expectations. I would much
rather be the one getting her heart broken, than go to a boy who has
this idea in his head of a happily ever after with me, and inform him
its just not going to happen. Then he asks why. And then I have to
tell him. All around, it's kind of miserable. So!!! Until circa
Christmas-tide, no expectations!!! To be honest, that one sounds more
like a holiday than a fast. Six months of not disappointing a soul
other than God, my father and my professors!! Ah.....bliss. As for
individual dates- this remains to be seen. Because expectations and
intentions are not always voiced on the first date. I've been on get
to know you dates I've mistaken for romantic dates, and romantic
dates I've misinterpreted as just-friends-hanging-out(INFINITELY MORE
AWKWARD!!) But kissing. Kissing/ verbal manifestations of
intent/expectations seem like a good line to draw for now.
So dear
readers- what do you think? What do you have on your list? Is mine
asking too much? What are your bets on the dating fast? My bishop
said he would put money against it....stupid bishop. I am the master
of my fate!!! I am the captain of my.....dating life. Sort of.
